Lolly: Reporting Live from...your mum.

How To Kill A Woman

2010-01-07T01:32:00.000-08:00

There are many standard methods that I’m sure you know about,

Like stabbing through her sternum and then ripping her heart out.

She’ll see the whole thing coming, as you raise that godly blade,

And know that in this moment, you can watch her life source fade.

Of course, there’s always poison, if you slip it in her tea.

She’ll sip it of an evening, before suspiciously

Wrinkling her nose in that way you know you’ll miss,

Then coughing, gagging, spluttering, as life drains from her kiss.

Or else, you could try bludgeoning, if that’s a risk you’ll take.

The artistry of violence is such a beautiful mistake.

The splintered shards of bones and skull, all painted with your pain,

For she deserves the fear that is encrusted in her veins.

Another road you could go down is pushing her downstairs.

It will seem like an accident, a crime too sweet to dare!

And as she’s lying broken, bruised and bleeding on that floor,

You’ll smile as she breathes her last; it makes you love her more.

But if you really want your woman utterly destroyed,

There is no finer method than this one sadistic ploy,

For you cannot truly kill a woman if her heart’s within repair,

So leave her without warning. Now you’ve proved you just don’t care.

I Pray For Diarrhoea

2010-01-07T01:28:00.000-08:00

I Pray For Diarrhoea:

a curious cocktail of bowel movements and no inspiration.

I pray for diarrhoea

Of my constipated mind.

My muse is stuck in traffic

And my fingers can’t unwind.

My story’s frozen solid

From Medusa’s poison gaze.

It needs a little fibre

To escape this mental maze.

The toilet roll is waiting,

It’s a new one from the crate.

But my words are stubborn tenants:

They’re refusing to vacate.

Old Morpheus has ditched me,

And my dreams are hard as rock.

My porcelain page is empty,

I want colour, chaos, shock!

My lips are stitched together,

And the bile just won’t flow,

I need a pair of scissors,

‘Cause I really got to go.

I hate this heady silence.

Is my future now in doubt?

So I pray for diarrhoea,

Let those words just splatter out.

Husband's Law

2010-01-07T01:27:00.000-08:00

When Husband hands you a secret key,

But forbids you to reach its destiny,

Are you to obey, your will denied?

Or is Husband’s Law to be defied?

But what of curiosity’s price?

Should you shun this seeming vice?

Or should you embrace the truth unknown,

And claim this knowledge as your own?

If the apple hangs so clean in sight,

Is the test to deny your appetite?

What, pray tell, can come of this?

The test of the loyal lover’s kiss?

It was knowledge pure that tempted Eve

Not what they’d have you believe.

A man is given right to find

What mystifies his probing mind,

Yet women are punished for their prying,

Not celebrated for their flying.

So let the scales of justice weigh

The same despite where penalties lay.

For curiosity is not a sin!

But the desire to learn what dwells within.

Portrait

2010-01-07T01:26:00.003-08:00

My mistress stands before me in dismay

I show her not what she had hoped to see.

She combs her hair; it frizzes, flies away,

This is not how her life was meant to be.

She backs away, is looking from a distance,

Her clothes are far too snug, her face too plain.

She twists in different angles in resistance

To the image I deliver once again.

She prays to find the one that looks beyond

That girl with unco-operating hair

For she’s a thousand stories, lifetimes long,

If only he would find the time to spare,

To see what I, a mirror, cannot show,

A girl who makes you laugh when you are low.

Got Milk?

2010-01-07T01:26:00.001-08:00

I am a glass of milk.

I am full to the top.

And I just keep on pouring;

I don’t know when to stop.

My love is going off

For it’s been sitting here,

Unrefrigerated,

Undrunk for all these years.

My love’s starting to smell.

It’s past expiry date.

Untouched by human lips;

And now, it’s far too late.

I am a glass of milk.

I am full to the brim.

But I feel so damned empty

Because I don’t have him.

22.86 Centimetre Screws

2010-01-07T01:25:00.001-08:00

22.86 Centimetre Screws

(An ode to Nine Inch Nails)

I’m feeling delicate tonight

In this sinfully cold twilight,

The line is stretching through the way

But it begins to blur.

My hostile heart is self-destructing,

As politicians are corrupting

A world where love is not enough,

Because you can’t have her.

God Money severs all my strings

Reptilian imaginings,

My pusher, whore, my need for more,

I’m on my hands and knees.

The perfect drug to ease my heart

I will not let you fall apart

A downward coil of flesh and bone,

Now do something for me.

You handfeed me a terrible lie,

I’m sucking stars down from the sky,

But still, there’s no proximity,

A perfume fills the air.

Come on down, the pigs are marching,

The needles in my veins are arching,

The void is looming Closer now,

Together in this, we’re.

My fingers ring of silver spent

Betrayal of my master, Trent.

I’m fragile, hurt and down in it,

Survivalism squad.

You sing your songs of heresy,

But still there’s no proximity.

Collecting heads with holes in them:

I’m Closer to my God.

A Current Affair

2010-01-07T01:24:00.001-08:00

A Current Affair

You flicker like an afterthought

Behind my wayward eyes.

Your heat defeats my throbbing thrill,

But still you tantalise.

Encrusted enigmatic wisps

Across your crawling lashes.

You’ve scoured skin to shredded shards,

In passion-driven rashes.

Your thighs are singing siren songs,

And sleepless I will slumber.

You twist a tainted treble clef

To leave my breath encumbered.

Your beauty is the dying art

Of bloodstained disarray.

I slide into soliloquies,

And live my life sideways.

Your lightning lips arterial

Fellate my faithlessness.

I’m brusquely burning broken threads

To bring you to undress.

I know too well this won’t end well,

For you, or me, or she.

But what she doesn’t know can’t hurt,

So hate me, hurt me, bleed.

At our climax my guilt attacks,

But guilt cannot be kissed

So I will fill my mouth with mud

And play the masochist.

My voyeuristic venom veins

Are vying for the win.

This creature likes the taste of pain.

So let the feast begin.

Stop

2010-01-07T01:23:00.001-08:00

Stop

I want to be a writer, but I don’t have time to read.

I want to donate blood, but I don’t have time to bleed.

I want to fall in love, but I’ve got no time for a guy.

He may not love me back, and I just don’t have time to cry.

I want to stop my speeding, but I don’t have time to cruise.

I want to play a game, but I don’t have time to lose.

I should tell Mum I love her, just before I turn to go,

But I’m already running late. Surely she would know?

I want to stop this headache; there’s no time to meditate.

I pop some codeine in my mouth – I really hate to wait.

The pain will stop in minutes, and then I will be alert.

There’s just so much I have to do… I don’t have time to hurt.

I want to rest these eyes, but I don’t have time to sleep.

This essay’s due in six more hours; oh, now I’m in it deep.

I’ve had four cans of Red Bull, but I’ve got so far to go,

I miss back when I used to think that time moved way too slow.

I need to take a break, they say. But that will take too long.

My heartbeats count the moments down till I am dead and gone.

I hate that I can never rest: I hate this world of mine.

One day I’ll stop and fix it all. When I have the time.

Smudge

2010-01-07T01:21:00.000-08:00

Smudge

On my ceiling is an unknown smudge

I wonder vaguely how it came to be

I only see it in my darkest hours

And somehow know that it’s apart of me.

Is it a cobweb, or is it a crack?

Will the ceiling cave in where I lie?

It seems snake across the blank expanse…

I find myself not minding if I die.

Shoulders sometimes block it from my view.

The skin has three big freckles in a row.

When I can’t see my smudge, I watch those dots.

They’re just like frogs, all leaping to and fro.

The shoulders leave; my smudge returns to me.

My face is glazed with sweat and stained with pain.

I gaze up at the ceiling and I smile

When I realise it’s the reason I’m still sane.

But then this morning, Mother cleans it off.

I stare in anguish at the pristine white.

She does not know what she has done to me.

I’ve lost that friend who helped me brave the night.

The ceiling’s cold and empty, like my heart.

I miss that smudge so badly I could cry.

Father comes to give my goodnight kiss.

He leans down low; three freckles dot my eyes.

So I haven't been blogging for aaaaaaaaaaaaages....

2010-01-07T00:13:00.001-08:00

It's true. I've been AWOL. MIA. Or, you know, basically gone.

Well, it's a new year, and a fresh start. I know that no one reads this anymore, but hey, writing's therapy, right? And if it keeps me outta the nuthouse, I'm willing to give it a go.

So... Important updates of 2009:

1. Lolly got a boyfriend.
2. Lolly has yet to be dumped by said boyfriend. Quite a feat!
3. Lolly became a hooker.
4. By hooker, that is LJ Hooker Real Estate. Not prostitution. Trust me - prostitution pays better.
5. Lolly's YouTube songvids are officially BYE BYE.
6. Sadface.
7. Rhianne moved to Melbourne, and Lolly misses her terribly.
8. Lolly should be banned from using the third person...

Okay. That was an aneurysm and a half.

More importantly, I participated in NaNoWriMo this year! And while I didn't win, I DID finish the 50,000 target. It just took me two months instead of one. So shut the hell up. The word count is currently 57,662, and is rising daily. This story is called Phantasm. If you, my invisible reader, are interested, invisibly comment me and I'll put it up. Hell, I might just put it up for shits and giggles. Because, God knows I love to shit and giggle simultaneously.

Speaking of my writing (and shit), I wrote a BUTTLOAD of poetry this year for uni. So same thing goes: if you wanna check it out, lemme know and I will post. And, once again, in lieu of getting depressed with no one reading my blog, I'll probably put it up despite the silence.

Okay. That'll do. Kayla's helping me plot, and no one should ever keep that girl waiting.

Love,
Lolls.

I met the She-Devil.......and her spawn.

2009-04-16T09:15:00.000-07:00

We are about to arrive at a crossroads.

If you survive the following rant, you get the biggest gold star you ever did see. But if you don't, I don't blame you. I'm in a state of fuming at the moment, so this is mainly therapy....

*breath*

I work at a cinema. Yeah. Cool. The pay was pretty shit at first, like $9.78 an hour for an 18 year old (!!!) due to their "six-month traineeship", aka, "We are big fat stingy corporate asswipes who don't care that you're AT UNI AND JUNK" ----

But that's not my rant. I'm now $12.76, due to go up to $17 when I hit the big One-Nine.

Here's my rant:

I met the She-Devil tonight.

Oh yes. Put your eyeballs back in your sockets - I can sense your shock and disbelief, but it's true. The Fast and the Furious came out today, so we were packed. Every FF session was chockers. At about 8.50pm, it was the HEIGHT of busy. There were people everywhere, packed in, complaining about the heat, the line length, the noise. Popcorn is flying everywhere as I'm serving frantically, upselling where I can, being super-super nice when I can't, smiling and laughing at unfunny jokes ----

And then she arrived.

It was very innocuous, too. She pulled out her book of cinemoney (a book of ten gift vouchers that you buy in bulk to get cheaper) and asked to see The Boat That Rocked.

Innocent enough, you say?

WAIT JUST A SECOND, SIR. You're jumping to conclusions!

She asked me how many is supposed to be in a pack. I answer, "Ten."

She frowns...

"I have eight," she tells me.

Suffice it to say, SIX MINUTES LATER, we had to call the Manager over. She's all, "I know Sian! Does Sian still work here??? SIAN!!!!"

"She doesn't work here anymore."

Etc. Bitching and moaning. Blah blah. I desperately turn to her kids to ask them what they wanted. She grabs the reins again, her eyes flashing demonically in the evening light. She orders her shit. Then she wants a receipt. Then she demands to know how long we've been doing tax. I tell her it's GST. She's all, "What's THAT????"

"It stands for 'Get Stuffed, Tubby'."

"What?"

"Nothing."

So I finish serving her, all the while the other customers are giving me looks of horror. With my eyes, I reply, "I know, right????" And they're all, "Jeez. Way to serve the She-Devil."

I give her her fucking popcorn, and I think I'm rid of her. And you think this boring story's over.

I'M/IT'S NOT!!!!!

She came back and was all, "Can you fill these up some more?"

She'd SQUASHED THEM DOWN AND SHOVED THEM BACK AT ME.

With a very dirty look in the opposite direction, I filled them as requested and went and served someone else. Cool. She's gone. I can serve the other fifty million customers who walked in while she had me pinned to the counter for twenty-odd minutes that I will NEVER.....EVER get back, and I can remember to breathe.

Kaitlin, my trainee, is looking aghast that such demons really do walk the earth. I assured her that She-Devil would be back for my soul.

I was joking, of course....

BUT I WAS RIGHT.

At 10.00pm, (I was supposed to knock off at 9.30,) S.D comes back telling her she dropped her ice-cream on the floor and wants another one. I give her one. She then tells me I forgot to give her MnMs. I give her those too. She complains they're too small. I tell her she has to buy the larger size. She complains, but rifles in her plastic medicine container thing for change. She then asks to buy another book of ten. It's too expensive though. We tell her about our Mothers Day Special. They expire in three months instead of six, I tell her (unlike the cinemoney.) She buys them. When I stamp them for three months as planned, she goes schitzo, telling her I said six. I was like, "No I (fucking) did not, (you stupid carpet-munching worm-infested) ma'am." She gets me to call the manager out again. He's all, "R U SRS?" to S.D. She was. She totally was. He was all, "Give her six months....I h8 my lyf."

THEN.....she's BACK...........

["When will this story end???" you scream. I understand. I'm suffering through this too.]

She wants more food. I serve her. Then she's all, "I don't get out much, what with my twisted bowel and my anaemia and my diabetes."

I'm all, "................................Aww."

I give her some water, guide her to her cinema via the elevator. She tells me not to call an ambulance if she faints. I just look concerned. She asks my name, and repeats it wistfully. I don't know whether she wants to reward me with eternal life (as only the Devil can) or offer me up as a human sacrifice while she orchestrates a blood orgy. I'm going with the latter. I finally get rid of her, finish counting my trainee's till, drive her home, narrowly missing a speeding ticket (I had cops on my ass.....*WINK*) and now all I want to do is kick a puppy.

Or her face. Or, you know, any part of her that I can reach. I'm not fussy. I just want to cause her some grievous bodily harm, since mmy mind now has wounds that can never heal. I've been touched by evil, Whitney. She made contact when I was handing her the money and the two receipts she demanded. We don't give out receipts as a rule. Customers have to ASK for them. And daaaaaaamn, she asked.
You know. Kind of how I wanna ask her to GET FUUU----

...Slowly calming down.

K. going to bed now, before either of you come up with another clever plan to get us killed! Or worse....EXPELLED.

Oh, Emma Watson. why did you have to grow up and become arguably the world's worst actress? *sigh* You were so cute!!!

- Lolly., wondering what the world has come to...

It's Twilight Again - Miley Styley

2009-03-20T06:37:00.000-07:00

The Ode to the Anti-Twilighter.

NOTE: This in no way reflects Lolly's personal opinion of Twilight. The fandom, maybe, but Twilight is the shiz. All three books of it.

...Do you dare challenge what I just said?
No?
Didn't think so.

Presenting...

IT'S TWILIGHT AGAIN

I read this book back in...two thousand and five.
Haven't read such a load of garbage... in all my life.
I repressed all the stupid plot points, put it out of my mind...
But suddenly now...it's Twilight again.

It started one day when I...was in Chemistry.
In front of me, my friends Em and Adele...were giggling.
Curiously, I eavesdropped to...see what was so funny.
To my horror it...was Twilight again.

I'm surfing on the net, just trying to forget,
When Edward Cullen's face pops up into my business.
I smash the stupid screen; I'm not some stupid tween!
My best friend Rhianne, she just loves his stupid sparklepeen.

I'm walking down the road, and pass a window,
RPattz is on the pane...
Oh whoa oh oh oh,
I...cannot believe...it's Twilight again.

I flop down on the couch and, turn on MTV
But switch it off in detestation when I see damn Larry!
He's interviewing Kristen Stewart; this crap's stalking me...
Another day wrecked... by Twilight again...

I'm lurking on YouTube - this just cannot be true!
Some pink-haired geek is ranting about Bert and TomStu.
I click another link, and I kick up a stink!
Some bitch is singing about how Edward is a virgin.

It's ruining my life...I just can't block it out,
I want. To Stab. My Brain.
Oh whoa oh oh oh
I...refuse to believe...it's Twilight agaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain!

Haven't read such a load of garbage...in all my life...

And when the movie came, the squeals drove me insane,
I try to kick as many Twihards without getting blamed.
Why is it they can't see, that Twilight's so cheesy?
They never had no glitter-skin on that show Buffy.

At least it's finally done. The movie's over now,
Relief causes me to swoon.
Oh whoa oh oh oh
Wait. Oh no, please, it cannot be true!
Oh whoa oh oh oh,
Oh...oh my God, they're...making New Moon.

Poems for my Creative Writing Class...

2009-03-07T06:16:00.000-08:00

This is what happens when you OD on NIN for an entire week.

By the way, Trent Reznor. Yeah. Just do me.

Shadow-Kissed

A shadow lives inside of me, within my deepest core.

It chills my blood to shards of ice that I cannot ignore.

It speaks to me in whispers that precede a dying scream.

It splits me into two and then leaves nothing in between.

My mother tried to drown me once when I was barely one.

I guess she did it since she knew what I’d one day become.

I think I miss her terribly, but I cannot be sure;

The shadow got her in the end and now it’s wanting more.

My eyes are frozen crystals from behind the veil of grey.

I lock myself inside my skull and try to hide away.

The world would be a kinder place if I did not exist,

For I am weak, and I will hurt, and I am shadow-kissed.

Angel Wings

The angel swims into his mind amidst a pool of light

Her innocence enthrals me; oh yes, I will feed tonight.

She promises to fix his heart and purify his soul

But she does not yet realise that I am in control.

I count the flickers of her fear and yearn to be released.

Her goodness is my enemy; her beauty is my feast.

He tries so hard to drown me out but he does not succeed,

For I’m too curious to know what colour angels bleed.

How easily won he is; I have him slashing at her wings.

Her terror is a tuneless song of silent sufferings.

He sags beneath the aching truth of what he has become.

How long would it take him to see that we’d always been one?

Bitten Apples

My hands belong to someone else for they cannot be mine.

I am a ruiner of good, a crusher of divine.

The roaring taunts of Coward! leave me gasping for my breath.

I pray for mercy; no one hears – so then I pray for death.

I’ve built a mighty city on the backs of all I’ve hurt:

Its walls are made of rotting flesh; its air is choked with dirt.

My throne is made of bitten apples from the world’s first sin,

And I am made of darkness, reflected from within.

The shadow is rejoicing and now I can finally see

The only way to stop this pain is to let it conquer me.

My knees disintegrate and to my rightful place I bend

The burden of my will is gone: this shadow’s now my friend.

The Inappropriate Touch (A Twilight/Bloodhound Gang Parody)

2009-01-12T02:52:00.000-08:00

Haha. Well now, we call this mind-fuckery “imprinting.”
But there are several other very important differences between imprinting and pedophilia that you should know about.
I’d appreciate your children.

Bitch, Bella, bitch, Bella, chose that stupid vamp
Well guess what? Now I’m gonna sic my pack on all the Cullen clan.
He knocked her up, now she’s fucked up and she’s gonna have a demon child,
Now she’s dying, Eddie’s crying, which is not usually his style.
I’ve had enough of Bella stuffing me around, been pushed and shoved,
Just because I wanted to do her once does not mean I’m in love.
So obviously, gonna break the treaty, gonna make all those freaky leeches dead,
But suddenly, Bella’s placenta unleashes a tiny kid.

Holy crap.

You, baby, may be a dead hybrid vampire,
But I’m gonna do ya coz this book is written by Steph’nie Meyer

Do her now

You, baby, may be a dead hybrid vampire,
But I'm gonna do ya coz this book is written by Steph'nie Meyer.

Getting horny now.

Yes, I fell in love with this retarded infant,
I can’t help it, please don’t judge me, can’t control on whom I imprint.
Pornographic? And pedophilic, wanna get down with my Nessie,
Dunno it I can wait till my little mate even reaches her puberty.
So if Eddies spies on my mind, poor guy, he’ll find, I’m tapping his baby.
She turns me on, I’m Mister Jacob, up to a hundred a ten degrees.
So put your hand, down my shorts, and I’ll bet you feel fur,
Yes I’m Fido, yes I’m pedo, and I like it right thurrr.

Doggy style!

I feel like a douche for imprinting on Renesmee,
It’s like Steph’nie couldn’t find someone who’s actually my own age.

Feeling sexy now

What ever happened to the plotline for poor Leah?
Guess I dodged that bullet, I suspect that Leah’s lesbia(n).

Leah’s naked now

You and me, Nessie, ain’t nothing but tigers
So let’s do it a-as soon as you get out of diapers.

Doin’ babies now

You and me, Nessie, are destined for romance.
So I don’t care if you’re like three I wanna get inside your pants.

Touching kiddies now

You and me, Nessie, are gonna have Sex-Ed.
So let's do it till we out-screw your parents and break a bed.

Kay, that's creepy now…

-exotic music fades out-

-end-

Air is Running Out - Muse Style

2008-11-08T07:51:00.000-08:00

I love you so much,
Spend every night,
Watching you sleep
as I try not to bite.

You're something beautiful
You're like a dream,
A piece of heaven,
An angel, it seems.

You could never do no wrong.
So I thought I'd write you this love song.

Then...you did something a bit strange...
That made my poor nostrils...rearrange...

You freaking farted
You freaking farted!
What the hell, Bella?!
What is that smell(ah)...?!

At first I tried to
Pretend it was cute
I guess I shrugged
When I heard your little toot.

But seriously,
That puff was bad,
It must have been
All those baked beans you had

Your ass will be the death of me

I know that I don't really need breath,
But when you let rip, it caused my second death.

You freaking farted
You freaking farted!
Jesus Christ, honey!
You just killed Charlie!

How did your bum do this?
Whooo ooooh ohhh oooh ohhh....

That smell does not come naturally.

I can't stand it anymore
Did that stench really come from your backdoor?

You freaking farted!
You freaking farted!
My world is crumbling
From your ass rumbling

Please Aro, end my life...

Ooooohh ohho ohohohohhhhhh....

NOVEL EXCERPT, as promised.

2008-11-08T05:42:00.000-08:00

Like salt to my bleeding wounds, a grey Toyota Land Cruiser was parked out the front of St. FranXave, a cigarette being tapped in quick succession on the edge of the window. Canvas in arms, I stopped dead and scowled deeply.

A higher power hated me. I’m serious.

Kids dodged past me in irritation, and I realised I’d halted right in the middle of the walkway. They all were rushing to catch the 588. Would it be that bad to get squashed in the gum-coated, slagged-on bus seats and pretend that I hadn’t even noticed my girlfriend’s cheeseball boyfriend, getting coy smiles from the Year 9s as they saw him leaning back boredly, ruffling up his already messy blond hair?

The 558 made my decision for me, pulling out at that moment with what I could have sworn was a demonic laugh.

Grumpy that my free will had been snatched away by the Powers that Be, I admitted defeat and slung my schoolbag in the back of his car. The canvas earned a lot more care – I even seat-belted it in. As I tried to go around to the passenger seat, Wyatt piped up, “No way, kid. You’re driving this tank today.”

“Huh?” I spluttered. “I only drive Kate’s car. This one’s too big.”

“A car is a car,” he said, unbuckling and grabbing a set of floppy ‘L’ Plates from his pocket, unscrewing them, and pasting one on the window in front of him. He then got out and put it on the back window.

This whole arrangement had been one that I had remained firmly against since its initiation. Kate had only been on her probationary licence for a year, and as such, could not supervise a Learner driver. Dad was always too busy with work to help out – although I failed to ignore the fact that he’d found time when Kate was learning, but whatever – and so that only left her honey Wyatt, who’d had his licence for five years and was therefore legal to supervise.

Not Happy, Jan.

“I’ve never driven a four-wheel drive,” I argued. “I don’t know how.”

“And that is why the government calls you a ‘Learner Driver’, genius,” he flashed me a grin.

Two girls from my homeroom were staring at our exchange curiously. “Are you a driving instructor?” one of them asked Wyatt shyly. He laughed, looking at her good-naturedly. “Oh, uh, no, just helping my little SiL2B with her second phase.”

“Don’t call me that,” I snapped, as one of the twitty little things giggled. God, I was so glad I wasn’t a girl. Well – I mean… at least not a Giggly.

SiL2B was an uninspired acronym that Wyatt had magicked from the unused majority of his brain. ‘Sister-in-law-to-be’, it meant. Understand why it drove me crazy? I mean… who could stand a guy like that being so…presumptuous? It was maddening.

Begrudgingly, I fell into the driver’s seat, blinking in trepidation down at the unfamiliar set up before me. He joined me on my left. “Righteo, Al, go for it.”

I sniffed, readjusting the mirrors. I didn’t need to touch the seat; he was only a few centimetres taller than me.

Wyatt sighed. “Aww, come on Allie. You’re not still upset about the other day at the cinema, are you? You know it was an accident. I would never push you into a lake on purpose – you know that.”

“Uh huh,” I said in clipped tones. I looked over my shoulder, waiting to reverse – but St. FranXave was unbelievably congested at half past three. This would be a while.

He seemed almost put out by this uncooperative response, so much so that his hand shovelled around the pocket of his jeans again until they emerged with his Winfield ciggies and a lighter, getting a little flame going. I cleared my throat loudly. “What?” he screwed his face up, offended by my offense.

“I think not,” I said coldly, swiping at the lighter and stuffing it in the centre compartment. The car already stank of the stuff. There was no way he was smoking while I was actually present. “Now, ‘butt out’.”

He ignored me, instead holding the cancer stick out the window and taking only occasional drags. The Valentinos didn’t consider smoking to be nearly as unhealthy as we did in Australia. Wyatt had argued several times that kids even younger than me smoked freely at school back in Italy. I advised him to go back there, if he’d loved this ‘freedom’ so much.

At that point, there was a break in the constant stream of frustrated parents, so I pulled out with achingly slow progress. “Take your time,” he advised, redundant as usual.

The Toyota was gargantuan compared to the Kia Rio. I threw Wyatt a critical look, continuing to back out.

A little boy with a school bag twice his bodyweight walked right behind me and I slammed on the brakes. Wyatt gave me an I-told-you-so look which made absolutely no sense. “Make sure you look carefully when you reverse–”

“Obviously, I did, or he’d be a pancake,” I retorted. I pulled out and escaped the car park quickly, taking a side road to avoid the brunt of school-time traffic. We Spencers lived a good twenty minutes away from school, so it was going to be another long trip with only the comic stylings of Wyatt Valentino to keep me entertained.

“So,” he attempted to begin something resembling a conversation, “What are you getting Katters for her birthday?”

Wyatt had a tendency to give people irritating monikers. Until only recently, I’d been affectionately nicknamed ‘Alzheimer’s.’ Not exactly flattering, I’m sure you’ll agree.

“Painting,” I said, glaring ahead at the road. Kate had probably organised this little driving lesson, worried that I was still mad at her honey. This wasn’t exactly lessening the antagonism.

He had a drag, and blew the gust out the window. “Nice. What of?”

“Me and her,” I responded shortly. “The way it should be.”

He smiled. “Very subtle, Allie.”

“I try.”

Spinning the dial on the volume, he turned up the radio. An old Pink Floyd song was playing. He started drumming his fingertips on the back of my headrest, quietly singing along. “You know, I’m not as much of an asshole as you seem to think I am,” he mumbled after he’d finished the chorus. “It’d make Kate stress a lot less if you actually gave me a chance.”

I blinked. “Why do you even care what I think?”

Wyatt pretended to look shocked. “Of course I care, Als! Seriously though. What’s your problem with me?”

He wasn’t asking in a defensive kind of way – more just out of curiosity. I gave him a sideways look. “Unwilling passive smoking comes to mind…” I trailed off.

With an unabashed look, he stuck the fag in his mouth again and readjusted himself in the car seat. “Oh, whatever. You can’t tell me that if I was a non-smoker, you’d think I was the bee’s knees.”

“I actually don’t find bees’ knees all that impressive. I’m pretty much preoccupied with their potential to sting,” I said.

Now he looked amused. “Do I smell subtext?”

“If subtext smells like tobacco, then yes.”

With a chuckle, he stretched his legs and got comfortable, crossing his arms. He wasn’t even bothering to keep the cigarette smoke out of the car anymore. “So, I have stinging potential, do I?”

Damn it. I did not want to be having this conversation. I sank harder onto the accelerator, scaring the wits out of the old dear in the left lane. Wyatt didn’t seem to care about my speed increase. He seemed more concerned with my answer.

Stinging potential. I guess that was what you could call it. The fact that he was going to end up hurting Kate, I mean. In the long run. I didn’t know how or when, but…he would. He was too careless, too directionless. He didn’t take anything seriously. He smoked too much, drank too much, hooned too much – another flaw in the ‘Let’s let Wyatt teach Allie to Drive!’ plan – and he was just generally an off kind of guy. I couldn’t put my finger on what I hated about him so much though.

“What did you get Kate for her birthday then?”

“Wow,” he assessed. “That was a very discreet change of subject.”

“At least I changed the subject. I thought about just not talking anymore, but that kind of rudeness is beneath me.”

He laughed appreciatively. “You’re a funny kid, Al. We really would be good mates if you stopped believing that I pillage and plunder helpless virgins in my spare time. Get back into the left lane.”

I was about to argue, but then saw the wisdom in his command as our turn-off approached. “So? What’s the present, then?”

He looked smug. “It’s a surprise.”

Ugh. Great. He was trying to be intriguing. To get me to beg him to know the answer. Well, I only hoped that he enjoyed disappointment. I fell silent again, manoeuvring the wheel around the side streets. The Toyota was a lot more powerful than the Kia Rio. It made me nervous.

Realising he’d stumped the conversational flow, he added mysteriously, “My parents chipped in.”

Translation: they paid for ninety percent of it.

Wyatt didn’t get a hell of a lot on his brickie wage – but that didn’t give him an excuse to run to his parents for cash whenever he wanted creature comforts. The Valentinos were a very well-off family, as exhibited by Joss’s shiny new Calais V-Series Commodore. They made my family – a Maths teacher, a beauty therapist and a scholarship recipient – look like a third world country. They were also a very proud family, and, as much as I knew they disliked Wyatt’s ‘chubby Aussie girl,’ they would never pass the opportunity to prove that they could afford to get her a truly extravagant gift. I found myself wondering what it would be this year. Last year, they’d bought her what had turned out to be over a grand’s worth of Inglot makeup supplies for her apprenticeship. Kate’s jaw detached even more impressively than that of a snake. It made my forty dollar brush set just look…embarrassing. That was the last time I had given Wyatt present ideas.

Realising that he hadn’t snagged my interest, Wyatt just concluded with, “Well, you’ll find out tomorrow. Kate’s gonna die.”

“She’d better not,” I grumbled. “Or I promise, you will.”

...He looked annoyingly unthreatened.

Feedback? This is not the first bit, obviously. It's in the middle of the second chapter.

- Lolls.

Plotgasm... Ignore it. I do.

2008-11-03T09:49:00.000-08:00

Edward's POV, circa Midnight Sun.

Sleepless nights
And dreams in grey
Endless twilight
Another day

Starless skies
And monotones
Facing my
Forever alone.

But then, a scent
My lust is torn
A gift from hell
This monster is born

I'll haunt you, girl,
Your shadow I'll be
I'll silence your scream
With my misery

Your blood so hot
You won't be my first
Eliciting the power
Of my thirst

Your neck so soft
My throat runs dry,
I'll bathe in you,
I'll smother your cry.

I need you to bleed
I cannot control
I'll drag you down,
And feed on your soul.

But then...a change
Within my mind.
You matter. How strange.
My thirst I'll bind.

I'll hold my breath.
You never will know
You're inches from death,
My sweetest sorrow.

I'll watch from afar
And dream of my prey
Your blood will never
Run through these veins.

Bella, my love,
Be safe, my dear.
But always remember.
It's me you should fear.

Regarding: My "Novel"

2008-11-02T23:58:00.001-08:00

Hey dudes.

Um... would anyone be interested if I posted an excerpt of my original story? I could really use some contacts for feedback. I just don't want to publish it all over the internet, is all. It's not fanfiction, you see.

Get back to me?

- Lolls.

Hot Hobo Love. Dude...that's hot.

2008-11-02T23:42:00.000-08:00

Firstly, might I say an ENORMOUS thank you to the three people that commented my last blog!
To Lanna - yes, I've heard of NaNoWriMo. Unfortunately, my exams are all in November, ahha. So it's not really the most opportune time to be writing non-stop. I've always been meaning to do it, but it's just hard, haha. Couldn't they have like...a nice January one? That'd be lovely. And sexy. Don't forget sexy.

To Aasana - WOW, you've been reading my fanfiction since you were in year 10? Even the terrible fanfiction I wrote when I was in year 8?! That's commitment! You are getting a gold star, my friend! That sparkles in the sun. Like vampire peen. But not really. Thank you though - that's really exciting to know that even my emo stories make you un-emo, haha. Not that I write emo stories... I doubt super-hot evil Paul sexytime could ever be considered emo. *fans self* And yes, totally get in on the Twilight action!

To Fifi - Wicked Twilight? Wow, now that makes me uber curious. So...you're rewriting songs, Twilight style? That's awesome! Almost as awesome as Spunk's junk. I mean, hair. Did I say junk? I meant ass. I mean, hair.

Jeez. You're so hot, Fifi, you sometimes make me tongue tied.

Now that that's over...

So seriously. I never know what to blog about. I hate blogging. And vlogging. Can't my RPattz Rap speak for itself?

I've just joined the HotHoboLove club on LiveJournal! Yeah, that's right, blogspot, I'm having an affair with another blogosphere. Tech's even using the picture I made for her as their icon on the MySpace group! *is verra excited*

Hot Hobo Love by ~MystAngel on deviant ART

But whatevs. Erm, so my dating service thing is going swimmingly. I now have five different contacts, all of whom are being totally wooed by the epic force that is Lolly. Seriously... if by wooed, I meant terrified, then I was spot on. BLOGspot on, even.

I crack me up. Egglike and everything.

So, I have nothing else to say. Just thought I'd touch base. At least I'm not touching little boys anymore. The police told me to put a stop to that. *sadface*

...Kidding, gawd. Why can't I throw in a little pedo joke these days? I thought the Jacob/Nessie thing made pedophilia okay.

YES I DID JUST GO THERE SMEYER.

Comment again! Show me some love!

- Lolls, about to study for exams. God rest her soul.

TwiCon Australia

2008-10-09T09:38:00.000-07:00

Wow.

I totally haven't been getting my blog on lately, have I...

I guess its because I never feel like I have anything interesting to say. Well, in that respect, I'd be about right - I prefer my public opinions to be in song and parody for rather than unedited dribble on my blogspot page. But whatever.

So what's been happening in my life lately? Well, I've just joined an online dating service, since the men aren't flocking to my door like the fortune cookie said they would. Look at me being all proactive against eternal spinsterdom! Well, not really proactive. The two sites I joined both demanded money. And since I lack a credit card, I totally said "Eff you, websites."

Hence, my profiles are sitting there, gathering dust and winks from 39 year old men from NSW. Ugh.

All in all though, wish me luck on my quest for a butt monkey.

In other news!

I WILL BE ATTENDING THE 2008 Sydney Twilight Convention! Yes, I totally will. I'm going with my friend Emma, and also a girl I just met called Rhianne, and her friend Adele. We're gonna totally seduce Kellan Lutz and pounce on him, grizzly style. How can he resist the pure, undiluted sexification that is us?

Thought so. *smug*

Hmm...what else to report on? Um, my pay is about to rise to $12.20 per hour at work? That's pretty exciting, since I've been living on the epic fail that is $9.78 for the last six months.

Yes, I saw you cringe. I see your cringe and raise you a guttural groan.

I'm missing Hadrienne, I find. We've both been so busy lately. Maybe I'll tell her I have the next House...that'll get her over here pretty fast. I feel kind of distant from every one lately, actually. And kind of...randomly miserable. I suppose that's because I'm still undecided about what my plans are for next year - to defer for a year and work full time - to work and study part time? - or to keep up as I am now? I'm totally not sure. I'm crashing and burning at the moment, and have been sick for nearly two months now. I just want to be healthy and happy again, and as much as I'm loving uni - especially Andrew's classes, since that guy totally makes the "bee's knees" look massively overrated...although my CommDigTech class sucks donkey testicles - I need a break. I can't breathe at the moment (both from metaphoric stress, and actual phlegm from the cold I have. Eww. I know. TMI.)

So, is that BLOGGY ENOUGH FOR YOU?

I seriously need to make a point of blogging more often. It makes me happy to do this. Or at least it documents what I'm feeling, for future generations to analyse and ridicule.

- Lolly.

P.S. Still waiting for inspiration to look at my novel again. *sigh* Muse, where are you, darling? Did you get lost?

P.P.S. If you even read this, give me a comment - I'm curious to see how many friend I have. (As in...........one. Lol.)

Iron Vagina (to the tune of Eye of the Tiger...LOL)

2008-08-28T09:29:00.000-07:00

I was left out on the street
Carlisle found and then sired me
My skin turned ashen as I lost body heat
Didn’t think I was going to survive
The pain was madness – it happened so slow
But soon I was then a Cullen
I wanted Edward, but that dick told me “no,”
Because that boy simply has no sex drive.

For my, iron vagina,
It’s a mortal’s delight
Oh the pleasure, to do a vampire,
Oh well, now I have Emmett
And we’re at it all night
So screw you, Edward, you will never have…
My iron vagina…

I am Tanya, of Denali Clan
I took a fancy to Edward
But unlike all other guys, he wasn’t a fan
He refused me at every flirt!

Oh my, iron vagina
Did not woo him as planned
Instead he came to Alaska to be emo
To think our sex could be so
Dazzletastic and rad
But instead I’m a succubus?!
With an iron vagina…

I’m Bella but, call me Mary Sue.
Ed caught a whiff, now he stalks me.
I guess I don’t mind, since he’s my sparkly-poo.
Not to mention he seems to prefer

Yes, my human vagina.
It’s all squishy and warm
None of that stone cold vampslutty nonsense!
But if he doesn’t hurry up I’ll resort to chloroform
Since he seems to have a phobia
Of all vaginas…

Thank You For the Series.....yeah, just saw Mamma Mia, can't you tell?

2008-07-21T11:23:00.000-07:00

I heard about Twilight from a friend but I chose to ignore.
A vampire story - I'd seen it all before...
From Buffy to Anne Rice, I'd been down that road,
But I started reading, and hit motherload,
These great books had me wowed
So I wanted to sing this out loud:

So we say
Thank you for the series, the books we're loving,
Thank you for that Edward Cullen.
Who could live without them?
Ed, Jasper, Emmett and Jake?
For goodness sake,
Without our fictional loves,
What are we?
So we say thank you for the series,
We love you Stephenie...

Mother tells me to shut up when I go on and on
About TwiTube, or fanfic, or the latest from the Lexicon
And I've often wondered, how did this all start,
How is it that Twilight has captured the hearts
Of these thousands of fans?
Will Edward ever get a tan?

So I say
Thank you for the movie, for Kristen as Bella
I want Rob, under my umbrella - ella
Twilight has changed my whole life
I guess I'm a total twi-hard,
Henry or Gaspard
Could not have pulled Edward off,
Like our Rob,
So we say thank you for the movie
Summit's doing a great job.

We have been so lucky
To read this world of fantasy
Every detail has kept us spellbound
Imprinting
Volturi
Little Renesmee.

So we say
Thank you for the series, we're all obsessive,
Thanks for all the joy that you give,
You have a wonderful gift,
These books are just so much fun
So everyone
Would like to step up and finally say
We all thank Stephenie for Twilight
And Summit's second to none.

We all thank Stephenie for Twilight
Now write another one...

U + Ur Pak 2Nite = Bella's Bitch-Out

2008-07-01T11:47:00.000-07:00

Guess what

I’m in love

With two different guys

One’s a vamp

One’s a wolf

They won’t compromise

Really sucks

That they won’t just

Get along

For me.

But then I went and got engaged to Edward.

And Jacob’s freaking out coz he thinks Ed is no good.

So now he’s crashing my wedding, that’s it.

I’m pissed.

See, I’ve had enough of all your crap

You have really caused me some distress!

How dare you barge into this church

While I’m in my Anne of Green Gables dress?!

But you’ll never have me

Try as you might

So get back in the doghouse

It’s just you and the pack tonight.

Wedding night

I’m horny

I want Edward

We kiss

He resists

Even though we’re wed

That’s it, this really is ridic…

…ulous.

I complain that he’s lame, this makes no sense

Why deny my last human experience?

He fears he’s gonna break my pelvis.

That wuss!

See, I’ve had enough of all your qualms,

And now you wonder why I go make out with Jake!

How dare you withhold your crotch from me?!

That was our last chance for heaven’s sake!

Now you’ll never have me

Try as you might

So get back to Alaska

It’s just you and your crust tonight.

I gotta say it’s really neat that someone like me

Can have this hotties acting like I’m royalty.

Didn’t Stephenie describe me as like, really plain?

I’m such a Mary Sue, this whole thing’s insane.

You know who you are,

Sex-starving, talking shit, but you’re going home alone, aren’t ya?

See, I’ve had enough of all this nonsense!

Since my options are both mythical and such

Why can’t I have a human guy?

Is that asking just a little bit too much?
What’s wrong with Mike Newton?

Or Eric Yorkie?

Actually, pretend I didn’t sink that low

God, this book’s such misery.

See, I’ve had enough of all these TwiGuys

Really need to get outside this crazy place

Where’s that Harry Potter when you need him?

Guess what, I punched a werewolf in the face!

Just to prove that I can

Be hardcore tonight.

I deserve much better than this.

So it’s goodbye Twilight!

Which Twilight Boy is Gay?

2008-06-27T02:08:00.000-07:00

Yeah...
They're ice...and fire
Werewolf...vampire
But sorry to dismay
One Twilight boy is gay

Now Mike Newton is
A freak, we know this
Eric Yorkie too
And Jasper and his hairdo

Tell me who: Ain't saying that it's Charlie
Tell me who: ain't saying that it's Billy
Tell me who: I will never admit
Who'd coming outta the closet

Emmett we're debating
Is he overcompensating?
And I don't mean to offend
Jake really is "man's best friend"

Tell me who? Ain't saying it's Sam Uley
Tell me who? Maybe it is Quil or Embry?
Tell me who? Who are we gonna frown upon?
Who's gay as Zac Efron?

What kind of straight guy has glittering skin
That dazzles in the sun?
(Yeah)
And I think we all know that those LaPush boys
Have hot homo doggy fun.

Werewolf..or vampire?
Ask Stephenie Meyer
Won't say
Won't say
Won't say
Okay!

It's Jacob Black!

He's so misunderstood!
He's number one on Team Edward!
Bella was just a smokescreen
Jacob Black is the Forks Queen

Jake gets distracted by his own reflection
He's attracted to his own perfection
What more can we really say?
Jacob swings that way.

Why is Lolly so mean to poor Jake?
One day she is gonna get staked
Seriously, he's gonna have revenge
As soon as he's done with gay sexy time.

Coz he...imprinted...on...a guy...

The Cullen Crust

2008-06-26T07:34:00.000-07:00

I know you want,
To get sexy.
I've tried to explain,
Why you can't sleep with me.
But you're so stubborn,
In your human youth.
So I've decided it's time that I
Tell you the truth

(And it goes on and on and on and on...)

I've got the Cullen Crust.
That's why I can not yet thrust.
Don't wanna infect you.
Emmett's got it too.
Alice was just spared
Coz she made Jasper wear...a condom...

I thought I was cured
Of Fangorrhea.
I put my ointments on Edward Jr. every day to fix
Draclamydia.
But it didn't help
That one last VD.
And now I'm sorry my Bella that's what I can't
Let you sleep with me.

(And it goes on and on and on and on...)

I've got the Cullen Crust.
That's why I can not yet thrust.
Worst is poor Rosalie,
And her Genital Vampes.
So stop your bitching
Coz my crotch is itching...immortally.

I've got the Cullen Crust
That's why I can not yet thrust.
So that's my life story
Sorry you're horny
Now I am suffering
For that one night fling...with Aro.

Seven Ways: a Poem by Lolly.

2008-05-17T09:33:00.000-07:00

Seven Ways
by Lolly

Seven ways to say goodbye,
Seven ways to watch you die.
Seven seas to drown within,
Seven of my deadly sins.
Seven screams and seven sighs,
Seven times I shield my eyes.
Seven wonders of the world,
Seven bullets for my girl.
Seven colours in the sky,
Seven words; the perfect lie.
Seven when I roll the dice,
Seven fires to melt my ice.
Seven ways to break your soul...
Seven ways to lose control.

Under the Sheets - a Twilight Song

2008-05-03T22:23:00.000-07:00

UNDER THE SHEETS
- Lolly.

(To Edward, from Bella.)

In every relationship, you
Have to learn to compromise
but sometimes I want to hit you
For not being like other guys

I love that you love me so much
But Edward, enough's enough
I want to be kinky and such
Do NOT make me huff and puff!

Under the sheets...
Under the sheets...

Eddy is hotter
Than Harry Potter
Under the sheets.
I'm not opposed to doing ya,
Even if it's necrophilia...
So don't poop the party
Let's get it started
Under the sheeeeeeeeeets...

You think my poor little pelvis
is far too fragile for thee
When you're in your vampy state of
Abandoned ecstasy
But mister, I see right through you
You're just being a big prude!
Think of all the things that we could
Do while we were in the nude

Oh hoh!

Under the sheets...
Under the sheets.
The entire jury
AND the Volturi
Thinks you should do meeee...
What did you buy that stupid bed for,
If we couldn't play doctor till breaking dawn
Don't be a lame ass,
Let's just be shameless,
Under the sheets
(Under the sheets)
Under the sheets
(Under the sheets)
So let's get dirty
In that C30
Spontaneously!
Let us jump right to third base
Or I'll punch a werewolf in the face
I want some Edward
So let's head bedward
Under the sheets!

So Emmett suggests
You look at my chest
Go bone dance in style
Says Mister Carlisle
You are the dismay
Of your mum Esme
What a mortifying boy!
(Yeah)
And Alice forsees
A bed, you and me
While Jasper is scorning
That you are not horny
But Rosalie (who's dumb)
Still thinks I am scum
Oh well, she's a big fat ho!

Under the sheets
Under the sheets
Why must we wait
To go fornicate,
It's insanity!
You better appreciate this song!
It's very hard to sing for this long!
Stephenie Meyer
Wants this vampire
Under the sheets.

I am your love bucket
Grab my neck and suck it
Under the sheets

I want the wedding
After the bedding
That's why I'm cranky
Coz I got no spanky
Think of the fun that
We'd have if you smack that
Under the sheeeeeeeets...

Ode of the Fanpire.

2008-04-27T12:00:00.000-07:00

"Part of Your World"
TWILIGHT STYLE!!
- Lolly.

Look at my boyf.
Isn't he sweet?
At first glance it seems
Like my life is complete.
Wouldn't you think no one else could compete with that.

Look at his butt, check out his chest
He don't stuff with his jocks with socks, I'll attest
Looking right at him, you think...
Sure.
You beat top that.

But as you know I'm a fangirl.
So I need a little something more.
Then I read about Bella and Edward...
It's not fair...
Why's he with her?
Bella's a whoooooore...

I wanna be...where the vampires are.
So then I can have my crack at Cullen.
But first I have to smell like Bella...
You know.
Funky.

With stupid human feet, you don't get too far.
Vampiric strength's required for running super fast,
And jumping through the trees like a
What's the word?
...Spidermoooonkey.

I know that I, am a retard
But I am the world's most devoted Twi-hard
I want me some fangs
Wish I could bang
Edward Culleeeenn...

Who would I kill, if I could feel, my Eddy's tight ass
What would I pay, to have my way, with Edward Cull'
Bella's so dull, Bella's so bland
She don't understand my love for her boyfriend.
Stupid human
Need a new plan
To make her dead

I'm ready to go where no fan girl's gone
I've watched NoMoreMarbles, and the Twilight Lexicon.
Why's Bella a wimp, and why does she,
What's the word...?
Suck?

She's such a schmuck
Don't I deserve, to give Edward Cullen a great big old perv?

Not just to read...
With I could be...
A fanpire...

Twi-hards will die hard: MTV INTERVIEW!

2008-04-11T20:24:00.000-07:00

I think my post at the fanfic forums summed it up, so...yeah:

Now...onto the magic.

For anyone who knows, I am obsessed with Twilight. Well...I should correct myself. I'm obsessed with this MOVIE. Yes, I love the books, (even if I do write parody fanfics making fun of some of the characters, hehe,) but OH my GOD! Slap my ass and call me skippy! THEY'VE GOT A - AN INTERVIEW THINGIE OUT!

Two, in fact. The ET one and then the REAL one. I'll link both.

*FREAKS OUT*

ET: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u8q3l6L1ZDA

OhmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodIamwaytoexcited
forthistobehealthysomeonepleasepinchmeandcallmy
therapistdoievenhaveatherapist?ireallyoughttogetone
hahahisn'titfunnyhowtherapistlookslike"the rapist"haha
okayi'llstopbutOHMYGODAREYOUWATCHINGIT????

*clears throat*

I shall now leave in dignity.

*leaves in dignity*

*puddle of excited pee glitters in place she just stood*

- Lolls.

P.S. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!

AM I THE ONLY ONE FREAKING OUT? Of COURSE I'm not! I'm one of the many TWI HARDS (coined by Michael Welch...?) who DIED HARD when I saw that! It's...MAGIC! It's........*SCREAM*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why are you still reading this, two people that read my blog?! GO FRICKING WATCH IT! And then we can scream and pee together, in perfect harmony... Enjoy it now - the embedding is prolly gonna be disabled soon, okay? HeheheheheEHHEHEHEHeheHehehe!!!!!!

ADDED LATER:

Big City Chic

2008-04-09T08:06:00.000-07:00

I've always been a little bit squeamish about my appearance.

I mean, let's face it. I'm no Perfect Size 8. I'm a hearty, beefy Size 18. And you know what? Yes, there are times when I hate it. I wish I wasn't like this, and I wonder if being this...occupying of the limited resource of space may, you know...limit my chances of hooking a poor defenseless thing resembling a male one day.

But then, you know...there are times when I see myself in photos, or in new clothes I get, and I know that I'm a fairly nice-looking girl. Not hot - not "let's honk our horns at that piece of ASS," but...nice. Classy, even. I dress well for me, ya know?

Anyway - I was just surfing the net instead of writing my essay, as I do... (despite the fact that the deadline is rearing its fugly head,) when an email from City Chic popped up in the little MSN window-y thingie. So I casually opened it, completely unsuspecting of what lay ahead, when BAM.

...Well, not really. but sort of BAM-worthy.

City Chic, for those not in "The Know," (aka, 99.98% of ya'll...since like, 2 people read this...haha. *WAVES AT KATE AND AINA*) is a plus size store for young girls that I only recently found, and it's just...a God send. Before, I was walking past Supre stores and Roads and all those stupid little shops where the girls who serve you look at you skeptically and you have to physically go over and stand next to your skinny friend in that "I'm with her" kind of way to even justify your EXISTENCE. I found clothes, but half the time they were too old for me, or they just weren't ME, ya know? I have a style - I know what I like. I like unique, and sparkly, and just...feeling special in what I wear, ya know? And yeah...Target and that have been great, but...they weren't really doing it for me.

And then I found City Chic.

If I dared to speak against it, the clothes there ARE kinda pricey. I mean, I got two dresses from there. One was on sale, and was $15. The other one, exactly the same style, just a different colour, was $90. Yeah. I debated all day over whether to get it, and I did coz I don't have that many dresses, ya know? They were about to start calling me "Jeast" from all of my lack of skirt wearing. I mean, honestly! "In Pants We Thrust" is a motto that was never meant to be applied to me!

But other than that, I love City Chic like a fat kid loves cake. Which, you know, is entirely pertinent to this blog.

Anyway. Back to the BAM.

So yeah, I just opened my email all coolly, giving my hair a little toss for effect, when SUDDENLY....BAM.

"Search for a Plus Size Model."

At first I was like, "....OOOoooOoooooOOoo..."

And then I was like, "Who am i kidding?"

And THEN, I was like, "Now hold ON, Lolly, hold on... let's just stop and think about this, nice and calm-like...put down the weapon, now - " I joke, my munchtarts. But I read the conditions of entry all the same... (Aussie resident, between Size 14 - 24, submit one headshot and one body shot, etc...) and yeah. Seriously. What is the harm?? I have nothing to lose. And dude, the seven finalists get like, $1000 worth of clothes from this place.

DUDE.

I'm SO FREAKIN' THERE.

So yeah. I just want to finally do something that says that, yeah, I may not be perfect, but I Don't Hate the Weight. I want to do something that recognises that I'm not the Monobrow Lady From Dodgeball (thanks a lot, James. Your a prick without a dick.) I wanna do something that says, "Yep, this is what I got. And I'm okay with that."

Because seriously... it's just so nice being happy, don't you think? I hate people who don't like their selves. I mean, I empathise, but unconfidence is really sad. I don't wanna be sad no more. I wanna be a happy little Vegemite, as big as big can be! I wanna enjoy my chocolate for breakfast lunch and tea!

So yep. I'm gonna chuck two photos in, after blackmailing me some Hades to come snipsnap them. Like I said, what's the harm? If nothing happens, (which it kind of won't, I'm being realistic,) then that's cool, at least I'll have some smokin' hot pics of a Big City Chic, and her name is LOLLY.

...Well, Lauren. But up shut you will!

If any Aussie babettes are interested... http://www.citychic.com.au/ - go for your life. Just don't beat me, or we are so scheduling a smackdown.

Stay sexified, San Diego.
- Lolls.

Aina's Eyes Only!

2008-04-06T10:16:00.000-07:00

I'd actually posted the latest chapter to Fire and Ice here since I tried emailing it to Aina, but I took it down. So if you're a reader, I'll bet you're feeling a little irritated right about now...

Hehehe.

And yay! Paul and Jacob aren't falling TOO far behind in the poll! YAY FOR THE UNDERDOGS (Jacob quite literally. Woof.)

- Lolls.

Victory is Mine!

2008-03-27T02:03:00.001-07:00

Passed my driving test.

...Yes. You may touch me.

*smiles contently*

- Lolls.

P.S. Yay! Maroon 5 concert tomorrow! :D *jigs excitedly*

Computer Says No

2008-03-25T03:12:00.000-07:00

I....am freezing.

I'm currently sitting in my university MegaLab, shivering under the aircon which is WAY overdoing it. I mean, aircons are supposed to NEUTRALIZE, not....FREEZEALIVE.

Yeah, that's right.

And yes, I know I spelt neutralise with a Z. Sue me. This is a stupid Apple Mac, hence the keyboards are all douchey, and I can't be bothered trying to locate the "delete" button, which is actually just over there...*looks* but still. The moment is gone now.

WELL. Anyway. You may be wondering why I bothered to come on the internet at my uni when I have a perfectly good computer with delicious Broadband waiting for me at home. You may also be not wondering. Frankly, I don't care. I know that this doesn't have an audience, and that doesn't really bother me that much...hahaha. To answer your question which you actually didn't ask, (nor do you want to hear the answer to,) my computer is in hospital, (also known in some remote cultures as APR Computers Pty. Ltm.) I actually dunno if there's the Pty. Ltm. at the end, but it looked professional. Aesthetically pleasing, no? But yeah. My computer is DYING! Here I am, having it off with another computer while my former love is on a GURNEY! How can I be this heartless? Fraternising with another modem? Infidelity, I tell you! I'm a philandering sea cow!

Who is getting her kicks on any computer with internet access possible to compensate for the LACK OF at home...*sob*

Pity me...

...NOW.

Is going on another computer like cheating on your boyfriend? COMPUTER SAYS NO. I say yes.

I actually hesitated when I posted this, not really wanting to knock my lovely fanart for Twilight off of the top of my blog. But then I thought, "Um, what am I gonna do? Abandon blogging just so that can sit at the top, so a total of -7 persons can come and look at it? *snort* I think not.

...So here I am, tying nonsensical garbage while I wait for Tom to finish his Drama course...I'm so hungry. There's actually chips in my bag...they're looking at me...in all their pink, salt'n'vinegary glory...*moans...salivates...*

No. No, I'll wait till the train...where I can tease Tom with my chippery goodness and then he can pull out his even bigger bag and mock me with my puny 50g NET packet.

I predict these things down to the last detail, I swear. :)

So. After that fairly lame introduction, what's happening in the Wonderful World of Lolly? Well, besides the potential boyf I'm subtly trying to reel in (which I can't tell you about, lest he sees this.....HAHAHAHAHHA. I overestimate my popularity on the internet, I swear to God and Edward...) yeah, besides, um..."Nigel," there's not much. I need a new laptop...trying to find employment since Pizzza Hut left me high and dry... trying to deal with all the homework that I continue to leave till the last minute...

Yeah, besides that, not much.

So this whole blog really was a pointless endeavour. But seriously - I just needed time on the net. This was like...pointless sex. It's not with the person I love, therefore it has no meaning, no emotional value. But I needed it all the same, because the person I love isn't with me at the moment...

He's in APR Computers Pty. Ltm...

- Is there supposed to be a d at the end of that? Pty. Ltmd.? That looks more correct, huh. Eh. SCREW THAT. I am a rebel and I march to the beat of my own drum/triangle.

*whine* I wanna start writing Wiiiiish.....But I can't until me and Steph finish Fiiiiiiiiice...

Speaking of things relating to fanfiction, the MARCH MEDIATOR WRITING CHALLENGE is almost done! Only a few more days. We clocked a grand total of 5 entries so far. Hahaha, we're so outrageously famous, it kills me. Hopefully that could increase by...um, 3, within the next few days? *prays to God and Wood*

Well. I think that's successfully filled in the time waiting for Tom. It's now 7.31, so I best be off my lovelies.

(That and I am fricking freezing. Seriously. MAJOR frostbitey fingers here. I might be able to salvage the pinky if I leave now.)

"But what were you typing with if your fingers are dead?" you may ask.

To which I reply sinisterly, "Use your imagination..."

Before adding, "By the way, in my defense, it's COLD in here! DON'T JUDGE ME YET. Or better yet, get reviews off of your mum."

Stay glacial, San Diego!
- Lolly, an ice-sculpture.

MEDIATOR ICONS! And Twilight Fanart...

2008-03-16T21:46:00.001-07:00

Rosalie and Emmett, and then the Cullens and Bella.

Have fun!

- Lolly.

And now, for some Mediator icons I've done - just in case anyone on the Mediator Forums from fanfiction wanna use any - feel free! If you also feel like crediting, go ahead!

And here are some other avatars gathered from EXTREMELY awesome iconists - most are by the fantastic Licole who just rocks ALL of Sockville. As for the others, I'm not sure, but...yeah. Azzy and Steph also have some fabulous ones... Gah. Bursting with talent.

PLEASE USE THEM FOR FANFICTION.NET!

- Lolly.

Just some fanart...

2008-03-11T08:03:00.000-07:00

Nothing spesh. Nothing new. Other than that Talyor Lautner is now officially Jacob Black, instead of all the fans just speculating.

Got some fanart, using my favourite background...again. Bahaha. Here we have Bella 'n' Edward, Jasper 'n' Alice, and James 'n' Victoria. Go team!

- Lolls.

Madeline...Eighteen? Oh God. Protect your genitals.

2008-03-02T05:06:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MADDY! Now, let's celebrate with some POETRY!

*cough*

A Poem

For Our Favourite Ho.

By Lolly Slater

So finally, Madeline, you’ve reached eighteen

God help this unsuspecting world…

How could such a massive slut bomb,

be lurking in such a tiny girl?

This is an ode to our favourite ho

The one most likely to have a vibrating lip balm.

Our mother-sexing Maddy Youell

Who slept her way into Notre Dame.

I remember how you’d molest the paintbrushes

Back when we were all in Art Class

You’d cast bedroom eyes over to Mrs. C...

Who – let’s face it – is a hot piece of ass.

Now you can legally drink and drive,

Do anyone you please…and also vote,

I shudder to think of your sexual freedom.

No dick is safe – not of man, horse or goat.

You’re the only one who comes to mind

When one thinks of the words “rape” and “fun.”

Putting the sensual in non-consensual…

You’d make a whore out of the most pious nun.

Use your powers of sex wisely, Maddy.

Be like Paris Hilton, ‘cept not as hideous.

But don’t go too far, my sweet little vag…

Be like Debbie, ‘cept not as Chlamydious

And so, I guess since it is your birthday,

I’ll give you a free squeeze of my bum.

And I wish you a night of many an orgasm

From Jennii, the Hillmans and Mitch’s Mum.

Happy Birthday, darling.

Love Lauren,

Your biggest fan (literally.)

The Mediator Playlist

2008-03-02T04:26:00.000-08:00

I was asked what my ideal Mediator Playlist would be today, and after much deliberation, this is what I came up with... This is copied from an email to my friend Dawn, so that's why it sounds as if it is written to someone. Ignore that.

PLEASE, if you are a fan, check some of these songs out. If you are NOT a fan.....freakin' check some of these songs out.

We clear?

Of course we are.

THE LOLLILICIOUS MEDIATOR PLAYLIST:

1. Iris - Goo Goo Dolls.
(One of the most beautiful songs in existance, I'm sure most would agree.)

2. Every You Ever Me - Placebo
(VERY Paul - I love how manipulative and destructive the persona in this song is. Great one!)

3. Secrets in the Telling - Dashboard Confessionals
(if there was ONE song I'd want you to listen to, it'd be this one. I can't stress that enough. You can't pass this. The lyrics are just magical...when I heard it I fell in love with it immediately. It's so passionate, and has such a great emotional build-up. You can't go past this song. Or else. I could sing praises all day, but I'll move on now...)

4. Pain - Three Days Grace.
(Not my favourite, but always intrigues me to think of a situation where Jesse leaves, and Suze turns to Paul physically...)

5. Shiver - Maroon 5
(VERY Paul and Suze in high school, when he's obsessed with her and keeps thinking she's playing mind games with him.)

6. Closer - Nine Inch Nails.
(Surprisingly, a LOT of NIN stuff speaks to me on a Paul level especially for Fice. The line in particular, "My whole existence is flawed; you get me closer to God" is verrrry Fice, lol. Of course, the line "fuck you like an animal" is a bit risque, but even though its crude, I love the complete desperation of this song, desperate for perfection, for salvation, through the only way he knows how: sex.)

7. Afterglow - INXS
(Nothing really, except it speaks to me from Jesse's POV, I guess, basically existing in the shadow of Suze's life as a ghost... Not to mention, there is this one part of the song where the guy just roars in song, "NOW I'M LIVIIIIINNNNGGGG.....IN YOUR AAAAAAAAAAAAFTERGLOOOOOOW..." which is pretty much the orgasm of the song, lol. It makes my heart soar whenever I hear that...it's hard to explain. I just feel wonderful at that exact moment in time. :D You'll know it when you hear it. Such great build up...*dies* okay, I'll stop.)

8. Playing With The Big Boys - Prince of Egypt
(Hehehe! No one said I couldn't have songs from cartoons! This is such an atmospheric song about power and control...it's great! Very Gabriel-the-Corrupter to me, but I love it on multiple levels.

9. Fields of Innocence - Evanescence
(Not REALLY Mediator-y. But this is such a lovely creepy song about wishing to go back to innocence before knowing what the world held. Check it out anyway, but don't rush.)

10. #1 Crush - Garbage
(A song about obsession, simple as that. Sung by a girl, but a lot more Paul for me. However, this is going to be inspirational for a character I'm coming up with soon, Bianca - in another Mediator story, not Fice or anything.)

11. All the Same - Sick Puppies
(Fantastic song about love transcending everyday issues. Very Jesse/Suze)

12. Creep - Radiohead
(One of my favourite songs of all time. This is the Anthem of Rejection, not to mention another great song about obsession. Not quite a Paul song since he's a lot more assertive than this song, but still on some level he speaks to me. Basically feeling like you don't belong, and that you're not good enough in the eyes of the one you love. Don't miss this or I will hurt you. With a fork.)

13. Never Tear Us Apart - INXS
(Very Jesse/Suze, and their dedication to each other that rises above time. Beautiful)

14. Haunted - Jewel
(Okay, this song is just...amazing. It's chilling. It chills you to the BONE. It's so incredibly voyeuristic and possessive that you will be astounded. Well, I was, anyway. I listened to this by request of Aina who assured me it was mediator-y, and I fell in lust straight away. Sung by a chick, but so intimately Paul that it's not funny. Do NOT miss.)

15. The Hand That Feeds - Nine Inch Nails
(VERY interesting song. Basically about being trapped and having to pretend that you're happy and submissive, but inside you're dying...and kinda plotting to kill the person that has eff'd life up for you. Very Fice for me. Haha.)

16. 2's Company - Charlton Hill.
(Okay, about this song. a) you may not find it, because it's an Australian band and is fairly rare. b) once again, it was one of my VERY first Mediator-y songs, and chilled me to the bone just like Haunted did. Very Paul, very voyueristic...it's simply him intruding on Jesse's and Suze's relationship, watching from afar and going out of his mind with jealousy. Fantastic.)

Hmm, 4 more to go...*tries to be very narrow-y-down-y...*

17. Mr. Self Destruct - Nine Inch Nails.
(Okay, even as I type, I'm getting stressed out that I won't be able to communicate how BADLY you need to listen to this song. This song has power, and rage and such control. It's so intimately Paul that it scares me. It's in the mind of a madman. I actually used these lyrics in Chapter 30 of Fice when Paul was trying to kill Suze. "I am the needle in the veins...I am the high you can't sustain...I am the pusher, I'm the whore...I am the need in you for more..." VERY devil-on-my-shoulder, and the capability for humanity to be evil and corrupted, blah blah. Do NOT pass this. This has a special sticker on it. You can't NOT listen to this.

18. Haunted - Evanescence
(Very Paul/Suze. A stalker song, pretty much. Me? Listening only to creepy, scary music? Pfft. This is just my mediator playlist, lol. You should see my Bloodhound Gang and Weird Al obsessions, ahahah.)

19. Control Myself - Maroon 5
(I love this song. This and Lithium by Nirvana are such insane-o songs, hehe. I can just imagine Paul or Suze getting locked up in a mental institution and sitting in the corner in a straight jacket, trying to convince everyone they're not crazy.)

20. Big Man With a Gun - Nine Inch Nails
(Listen with caution. I don't know why I love this song. It's gross, terrible and so deeply mysoginistic that it makes me cringe. But it's kind of interesting to apply it to a character study of Paul in Fice. This was actually why I decided he'd want to kill Suze with a gun, lol. "I can reduce you if I want, I can devour. I'm hard as fucking steel, and I’ve got the power." Very phallic and very power-hungry. Other than that, it's disgusting. So yeah. Only if you're brave.)

SO! That's my twenty songs.

Ones you CAN'T miss are:
> Mr. Self Destruct
> 2's Company
> Haunted (Jewel)
> Creep
> Afterglow
> Secret's in the Telling
> Closer.
> Every Me Every You

Stay classy, Mediator-lovers!

- Lolly.

Once Upon a Shadowland Winners!

2008-03-02T02:02:00.000-08:00

Go Lolly!

Finally, the prizecards for the "Once Upon a Shadowland" Writing Challenge are DONE!

In First Place, we had Sandra Rose:

In Second Place, we had Sharkenator:

In Third Place, we had Moondancing Millie:

And the Special Award went to Flying Geese:

Yay! Congrats to them!

And since I didn't post them last time, I might as well now post the Award Winners forJanuary's contest...

Hence...

The Winners for the "Testosterone Poisoning" Writing Challenge are...

In First Place, we had Craziness-n-love:

In Second Place, we had The General G of K:

In Third Place, we had Esmerelda01 loves you:

And the Special Award went to Em Fargo:

Congrats to you all! And let the March Challenge...begin.

Stay classy, San Diego.

- Lolly.

Updates On My Action Packed Life........NOT!!

2008-02-29T22:12:00.000-08:00

Oh, my life... Wouldn't want to blink. Might miss something.

Perish the thought!

Well, obviously I haven't updated my very awesome blog since I haven't done much of anything special in the last few days. I have, however, just had my first week at uni, so I thought that was worth a mention.

At this stage I know two things.

1. I am going to love Thursdays and Fridays, and

2. I'm going to have Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

The first two days of the week are my two core units - aka, NO one wants to be there, but Uni dictates that we must. The courses are even more boring than they sound: "Contexts of Modernity" and "Representation and Interpretation." Basically just talking abou technology and society and historical context and blah blah blah...and we've got the same guy for both. He's all right, but seriously - to make something like this interesting requires real talent. REAL talent.

The latter days of the weak are my actual units - that is to say, Language and Writing and Visual Praxis - aka, writing and art. They're going to be awesome, I can see it now! So yeah. My week will forever be 50% perfect...

Maddy's party is tonight! Hopefully she'll enjoy our pressie that we - Haydogs and I - got her, the one that ADAM INTRUDED ON WHEN HE REALISED HE HADN'T GOTTEN HER ANYTHING. Pfft. Silly little twin midget.

Also, I got a new idea for a fanfiction one-shot! Well, it's going to be an unofficial entry into the March Writing Challenge I'm running, but still, it's gotten me all eager and what not. Now I just gotta wait for Aina to get her toosh online so I can pump her for plot help - I mean...chat with her. *blush* But yeah. Basically my What If? is going to be, "What if Paul Slater fell in love with a ghost?"

It'll be way more interesting than it sounds, I promise.

What else is happening in the Wonderful World of Lolly? Hmm. Made some new friends. Shout out to...them. *pretends to remember their names* Well, not really... I remember every one. But... *doesn't want to be presumptuous in thinking they enjoyed the university conversations as well*

Me? Lame? Undoubtedly.

And yay for the Poll getting right into gear! Poor Jacob is still floundering at "4 Votes," rofl. Poor little doggie...

Seriously, though. When trying to decide between a Vamp, a Corpse, a Dog and a Dick, which DO you choose?

I'll put up another post after I've made the prizes for the February Competition...

But lastly, onto the important things in life...

TWILIGHT CASTING...

Am I the only one who doesn't exactly hate this person, Taylor Lautner, for Jacob?

By MystAngel

I mean...I think he serves the purpose well enough, especially for Twilight where he's still kind of young. (And fifteen, if I remember correctly.) Apparently he's possibly going to be our Jacob. He's attached, but his role is unknown at the moment. But yeah, I've seen people go nuts over it, in a bad way. Hahaha, my favourite was Aina.

"I'd take Pattison any day over that."

Which, considering that she doesn't really like Robert that much, made me laugh for ages. Especially her use of the word "that," lol. Made poor Taylor sound inhuman...lol.

But yeah. Everyone loves Steven Strait, and, um, Taylor REALLY looks like him. So I don't know what they're complaining about.

Meh. My ONLY problem with this possible casting is that I'm not sure if he's even slightly Native American, which does present a bit of an issue. But he might be - not knowing any Native Americans, I wouldn't know.

- Lolly.

Splashes of Opinion

2008-02-21T22:30:00.000-08:00

Guess who has the sexiest nails in Sextopia?

That's right.

Moi.

They're real, too. *pleased*

Only cost $30. Well, okay, they were originally only supposed to be $16, but they tricked me into getting a buff thingie first. Oh well, I'm not complaining. People with nails as sexy as mine don't complain. Ever.

Except all the time.

No more castings for Twilight have gone up, but I'm sure we're all still waiting for Jacob's casting to come out. I'm checking morning and night, lol. Obsessed? Me? Pfft!

Now to meaninglessly review some things:

Last Episode of House MD I saw: "Frozen." GREAT ep. Season four's been drifting a little, (not to mention the huge gap in between due to the Writer's Strike which is now over, yay,) but I just hadn't warmed up to the new recruits yet. Plus, Kutner's a bit of a douche - and I don't even know the name of the other guy. But this last ep, where (SPOILER) House fell for one of his patient's was adorable. Aww, I really wish that guy would get a girlfriend, even for just a little bit. It's so lovely to see him happy, even for a few short episodes. *sigh* Great show. 9.3/10

Fairest, by Gail Carson Levine, author of Ella Enchanted: A lovely read, but not as magical as Ella. A little too predictable, I guess, with not quite the same charm as its predecessor. But still - reccommended to any fan of Fairytales, since this is (obviously) based off of Snow White. I did have a few problems with the progression of the plot though. Didn't flow as well as it could have. 7.1/10

Definitely Maybe: Aww, such a cute movie! Abigail Breslin really is on par with Dakota Fanning. I love her to bits. This was a surprisingly great movie, and all the bits that the audience was hoping to get wrapped up were tied very nicely at the end, leaving me very satisfied and happy. Great watch. Go see. NOW. 8.4/10

Evil Genius by Catherine Jinks: Confusing, over complicated and with a slightly cliffhanger ending. But overall, another great read, even if I did have to push myself a bit. Definitely check it out, especially if you know what an "atomical number" is. Since I don't. The plot is fast and exciting. 7.5/10

Okay, bye bye now.

Stay classy, San Diego.

- Love Lolly.

P.S. I so desperately want to finish AfterGlow and Fice, so I can start Wish! Oh, muse, where the bloody hell are ya? As they say...and then get smacked by the Brits for being vulgar...

P.P.S: Just found out - missed the job at Hoyts. :( *sigh* Oh wel...I'll keep looking, I guess... *kind of disappointed*

When one door closes...the other one turns out to be locked.

The Twilight Cast - Continued!

2008-02-19T23:55:00.000-08:00

I know I started off my last Twilighty post with Oh my freakin' God, but...what other way can I start off this one?

....OH MY F***ING GOD!!

Better?

Was I the only one who shat technicolour just now when I saw the new SUMMIT PICTURES OF THE CULLEN FAMILY?

I will post them up for your Edgasmic pleasure. I'm thoughtful that way.

Diclaimer: Blah blah, these images don't belong to me but are the property of Summit Entertainment, etc...

AND THANK GOD FOR THEM!

All the unblondies went FABULOUSLY BLONDE! I completely take back misgivings about Nikki Reed. She looks great. Not quite as slim as I expected Rosalie to be - now, don't give me that look, you know what I mean, Rosalie's supposed to be this vain princess, swanning in her own gloriousness - but that aside, completely turned around for me. She's gorgeous.

Rosalie: PASS.

Funnily enough, this photo puts me off my rock solid ecstacy for the casting of Alice a little. So far, she doesn't yet have the bubby spark in her eyes that we know and love, but I'm positive that'll come in the actual movie. It's just a still photo, after all. What can we do?

Alice: PASS (as long as she NAILS the role come filming.)

Emmett looks really different from the first picture I saw of him, but I don't mind the utter lack of all things "hair." It suits his character. His build is really good for Emmett, so he gets a big tick.

Emmett: PASS

Carlisle's a bit funny lookin', not to mention a lot older than I thought they would go for him since he's only supposed to be mid twenties. However, I can certainly see why they cast a an older actor for it, seeing as the movie Carlisle IS trying to pass as a mature foster father. And plus, he's not that old lookin'. He looks a bit weird as a blondie, but is adequately hot to make up for my giggles. Therefore:

Carlisle: PASS

Jasper also lost a little charm when he went blonde, unlike Rosalie who BLONDE REALLY WORKS FOR - but enough of her. However, I think his hair's just a little bit fuzzy here which is putting me off. Other than that, I'm compeltely happy with him as Jasper, just as I was when I saw him as a brunette.

Jasper: PASS

I've always been a Cedward fan, lol. I mean, when I first saw the photo, there was a moment of, "...What?" before the "Oh yeah, him!" came. I hadn't had my heart set on anyone before that which made the acceptance much easier *snorts unattractively in the general direction of the Gaspard/Henry fans* I think they're all still in mourning.

And yeah, my confidence in the boy was only magnified when I heard he really WOWED the casting directors, and that he and Kristen have great chemistry, which will be interesting to see in the movie. Plus, Stephenie's right: he already looks like a vampire. He's going to be fantastic, so he's definitely acceptable.

So, wait for it...?

Edward: PASS

Now, the final one, I'm just not happy with. Yes. Okay. She has the "mom" look. But I don't care - I DON'T LIKE HER FACE! Maybe I have to be a Grey's fan to have accepted her, but it just looks all squished in the middle! So, this is a strange way of saying it, but while I can see her as Esme, sort of, I just don't like the look of the actress herself. *shrug*

Esme: FAIL.

I'm just disappointed there were no vampy, sinister lookin' Kristen/Edward shots! Where'd THEY go?! :( Perfect opportunity...*sigh* I'm deeply offended at this lack of viewing pleasure.

And bloody hell! Cast JACOB ALREADY!!!

I'm done.

Wait - not yet...one more thing to say, in case you were still in denial, or were just going with the flow:

THERE'S A TWILIGHT MOVIE COMING OUT!!! *SCREAM* Seriously! Take a moment to just....love life, won't you?

...*MORE SCREAMING*

Okay, really done now. Bye, ya'll.

Stay classy, San Diego.

- Lolly, DEEPLY impressed.

P.S. Hahaha, at least Paul's not LAST on the poll. That would be disturbing. He's, um, third. And everyone knows that third still gets a medal. Even if it is bronze - which is a MUCH better colour than gold, I think.

*trying to comfort the weeping PFC*

The Twilight Cast!

2008-02-16T02:13:00.000-08:00

Oh my freakin' God.

Am I the only who is ECSTATIC about there finally being a CAST of some description up?! If ya'll are as obsessed with the Twilight series as I am, (although, I do admittedly love Mediator more, but Twilight's the current passion. Just haven't gotten into the fanfiction side of it yet, lol,) then you'll be hanging on every single word whispered from the powerful lips of the casting directors.

Let me just say: Alice Cullen has been perfectly cast.

I knew we weren't going to get some ridiculously great casting like Rachel Leigh Cook who is, (FACE IT PEOPLE!) way too old.

But this girl, Ashley Greene, is sensational! She's stunning. :)

The current cast is as follows:

Actor	Role
Kristen Stewart	Isabella Swan
Robert Pattinson	Edward Cullen
Peter Facinelli	Carlisle Cullen
Elizabeth Reaser	Esme Cullen
Ashley Greene	Alice Cullen
Jackson Rathbone	Jasper Hale
Nikki Reed	Rosalie Hale
Michael Welch	Mike Newton
Justin Chon	Eric Yorkie
Anna Kendrick	Jessica Stanley
Cam Gigandet	James
Rachelle Lefèvre	Victoria
Kellan Lutz	Emmett Cullen

Nikki Reed for Rosalie is of course, horrible. She only got the part because she's buds with the director (who both worked on Thirteen together.) She looks NOTHING like Rosalie, who is supposed to be this heavenly vision of blondness. For a start, Nikki is brunette. Secondly, Nikki is WAY too tough. Thirdly, Nikki's BRUNETTE.

Yes, I know. Hairdye. But still! Why go to that effort when there are plenty of much better, much BLONDER options already out there who don't need to resort to a bleaching to fit the part?

Oh well.

Aside from looking a little too friendly, Victoria's pretty good. And so is James, ignoring the disgusting fact that he was *gasp* in the O.C. Which is, you know, almost unforgivable. I will decide whether to kill him after the movie comes out.

Eric and Jess are brilliantly cast, and Mike isn't quite as puppy looking as I expected, but he'll do - I'm not really bothered either way. I'm just stoked with Alice. As long as she gets the hair right, I'm happy. Esme's face looks a bit weird, but hopefully that'll sort itself out on screen. Her features are all scrunched in the middle...Carlisle and Jasper both also need some MAJOR peroxide! WHY ARE THEY NOT BLONDE?

Why am I so obsessed with hair today?

*sigh*

Eh. Basically, Rosalie aside, I'm extremely happy with casting and have VERY high hopes for this eagerly awaited movie.

Stay classy, San Diego.

- Lolly.

P.S. For the few to no people who read this and also like Twilight, what are your thoughts on the current casting? I'm keenly awaiting Jacob Black's casting, e tu?

When One Door Closes...

2008-02-16T00:17:00.000-08:00

It's so true. I'm not sure which one to believe more: that "when one door closes, another one opens," proverb, or the unyielding power of touching wood.

Because seriously.

My stint at Pizza Hut Bitchdom is now over. Not only did the lazy superior get fired the other day, but yesterday, mum calls me out of my room saying she just got a phonecall, and informed me I'm now apart of the unemployed.

I was like, "WHAT???" thinking I got fired or something. But apparently, the whole Pizza Hut shop got closed down! I'm going to hazard a guess at...I dunno...food quality? Or something along those lines.

And I was like, "Damn. Golly. Hope Hoyts calls soon." And I touched wood, just so it wouldn't backfire and they'd never call --

AND THEY CALLED LIKE, FIVE MINUTES LATER.

I just screamed after I hung up the phone, having landed an interview at 4.15pm on Monday. I mean, WHAT ARE THE ODDS? Come out of a job, and then suddenly, COME INTO (the possiblity of) ONE!

I'm feeling pretty jolly.

Now I just gotta look hot at my interview. Because they won't hire me unless I'm hot. Maybe I should show a little leg. Or a lot. Or I should probably just play it safe and go naked.

Or a not.

My "Wish" jam session with Jeastie was brief, but helpful. For those of you who don't know (and don't actually care,) "Wish" is just part of the title for my new novel that I'm going to fall headfirst into soon. It's still in the early planning stages, and that's where Jeast is helping me out. Her and Aina. They're pretty rockin' at that kinda thing. Steph's great too, but we're still pretty busy with Fire and Ice.

But yeah. Jeast and I figured out a previously implausible part of the plot for "Wish," so I'm very pleased about that. :D We're already at the stage where we're casting characters, and photoshopping people in order to get them to look right. Wanna see some?

No?

Too bad.

*screws around on MS Paint and Imageshack again, much to your chagrin...*

...And yes, I KNOW that most of these people are very well known actors. But I'm just mucking around, so go away and leave me to my fun! ...And there may or may not be, um, two Charmed ones in my mental cast...lol.

CAST LIST:

If you're wildly curious, Allie (Alyssia) is portrayed by Rachael Hurd-Wood, (as is Ophelia...they're meant to look alike.)
Kate: Blake Lively.
Luc: Gaspard Ulliel
Eve: Shannen Doherty
Iris: Elle Fanning
Persephone: Rose McGowan, and
Xaphan: Paul Bettany.

I particularly love my photoshop work on the last guy (who's the evil, mysoginistic character.) I always seem to have a woman-hating dude in my stories, don't I...hah.

Anyway. Laters, ya'll. Wish my luck for my interview at Hoyts Cinemas.

Stay classy, San Diego.

- Lolly.

"Oh, you're on the train...do you have a Yellow Pages on ya?"

2008-02-14T17:51:00.000-08:00

The above title, my good fellows, is officially one of the silliest questions I've ever heard.

The question in question was asked to Tom while we were training it up to the Edith Cowan Mt. Lawley campus yesterday, by Gilly. And we thought it was very, very funny.

But onward!

Yesterday went pretty smoothly, if you don't count that getting out the Perth train station at the wrong side, ending up on the wrong street, trusting Tom when he says "I KNOW WHERE THE BUS STATION IS!" and walking all the way as he drags us to the Eslpanade station, (the stop before where we got off,) and then having to take a train BACK to Wellington Street...

My feet are still screaming four-letter-words at me.

It was a stinking hot day. Ever literally had sweat pouring down your God-forsaken face? Probably all of you, so this account isn't exactly special. But still - then you'd know, it's HORRIBLE.

My timetable for semester one is SORTED! I'm very pleased with this new development.

I did meet Tom's awesome little friend though, Shelley (who works at Maccy Dee's with him.) She's gorgeous! I love her to bits. Oh yeah. Gotta get her email off Tommydoodles.

*bugs Tom*

Back.

Anyway. When we got to the Student Welcome Centre, Shelley's password was malfunctioning, so this guy I'll call "Porpington" was trying to help her sort out the dilemma on the computadore. Only, Porpington had a very bad cold, and was coughing in every possible direction known to animal, vegetable and mineral. I'm not talking the little, "Hem! Oh deary me, I apologise!" coughs. Hell no. I'm talking the throat rattling, phelgm sucking, deep-rooted, internal organs infested with gunk and grime type of coughs. And you know...it was a lucky day when he covered his mouth as he coughed all over darling Shelley. She just kind of sat there helplessly, looking at me and trying not to laugh/cry/vomit. Then I was all, "Well, ANYWAY folks, her password is OBVIOUSLY not gonna work. Shelley? Lets go get some lunch. GoodBYE Porping-- I mean, sir."

And we made a speedy escape in fits of "Oh...my...GOD...." and "Ewwwwwww!!"s.

It really was one of the most icky but hilarious displays I've ever witnessed.

And I won't be surprised if Shelley gets AIDS by tomorrow.

...*touch wood*

In other news, I know all of you wanted to hear how my amazing Valentines Day date went and if I got lucky that night.

The answers are as follows:

Great.

And yes.

By MystAngel

Although, I didn't get lucky with Sam. Instead, I got something a whoooole lot better... *gargle*

Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice-cream...

Seriously. This stuff is the answer to ANY emptiness in your existence. The sun will shine, the birds will sing, your tummy will be slightly larger...and everything will be right in the world.

As for Sam, she was cool too. We both went to Paparazzi (an I-tal restaurant) and were the ONLY girl-on-girl couple there, lol. There were busty gals with their mini red dresses and killer heels with much shorter, adoring boyfriends, and there were actual Italian people playing accordians and violins! It was very cool. Then this pretty Italian girl came up to me (since I'm obviously the man in our relationship,) and asked me if I'd like a rose for my "friend."

And I was all, "...Are they free?"

And she gave me this scandalised look, and walked out.

Which TOTALLY took me and Sam out of the effing mood. So yeah, no kinky fun was had thanks to tight-ass Rose-Lady.

The conversation revolved around Sam's new Photography course, which I am in full support of. Seriously. I'm so supportive she calls me "Bra" now. And yeah, I also told her about my recent exciting points in my life such as writing "Paulnocchio," which I think took away ANY mental innocence I had once clung to. Great catching up, all in all.

We went and got Baskin Robbins icecream (see admiration speech above) and then went home to watch some good ol' David Strassman. God, he's some funny shit. I love me some ventriloquist in the early ours of the morning...

*waggles eyebrows*

All in all, a successful Valentines Day.

Now if only my feet would start working again. *whiiiine*

Stay in pain, San Diego.

- Lolly.

P.S. FOR EMILY'S BENEFIT (since she's very confused) LOLLY IS NOT GAY.

Complaints and Grievances

2008-02-12T18:20:00.000-08:00

Okay.

So work is starting to get irritating. Pizza Hut Bitchdom, I mean to say. I have a superior who doesn't do anything except sit out the back with friends! And when I can't do something(since I'm still new) and dare to impose on this party, the help is half-assed.

Example: When we were selling pork ribs and they were all frozen, I said, "Um, Nameless-Boss? How do I separate these? Because we need to cook them like, now."

"Okay. I'll take care of it."

After a fifteen minute stint in the oven, they came out...still clumped together.

I was like, "Um, they're still kind of frozen together. How do I get them apart?"

And she was all, "Just give it to them like that."

"...Um. NO."

So I went and pried the hot/cold ribs apart God knows how, and recooked them. The people had been waiting for about 20mins by that point, so I gave them a free drink.

But yeah! It's not exactly very professionally run now, is it?! SHE WANTED TO INFLICT SALMONELLA UPON THE UNSUSPECTING CUSTOMERS! Or you know, who prolly would have suspected something when their pork was still CLUMPED UP AND FROZEN IN THE CENTRE!

Sorry. Unprofessionalism really gets up my ass.

...In the most unliteral way possible.

In other news, OMG! Katie cut her hair! All her hair's GONE! Well. Not all. But a lot. I'll pic it...

*screws around on imageshack for ten minutes...*

By MystAngel

SEE? ITS ALL GONE!!

*freaks out, bubblewrap-style*

I still like it though. And it'll give her a lot less headaches.

Now, on the topic of Valentines day... I decided that being chronically single should not stop me from having a romantic evening with a significant other. So, I invited Sam out on a lovely romantic dinner with me!

Yes. Sam is a girl.

...And yes, the food will be half-priced due to my butt load of coupons...but I don't think that'll lessen the experience any, right?

Of course, it'll be really annoying if she happens to be working or something. In which case I'll find SOMEONE to come on a date with me. (I'm easily pleased.) Oh, Patrick...if only you weren't whoring out in Sydney. We could have had a blasty-blast.

And for anyone who was biting their nails about Winchester's dognapping, the puppy is safe again in Hades' house (which, upon reconsidering, isn't the safest place to be with the 389547157 guinea pigs and the occasional Huntsmen spiders...) The dognapper, after trying so hard to steal the dog, dumped it only a few streets away which is kind of stupid, but scary at the same time. Ugh. Rotten drunks.

I still have no idea what's happening with Uni, when I start, what classes I'm doing... *screams* HELP, SOMEBODY???

*sigh*

Isn't there anyone else going to ECU? Anyone who has the slightest notion on how to apply for classes and all that jazz? Because I totally don't and its PISSING ME OFFFFFF.

Gah.

Stay annoying, San Diego.

- Lolly.

P.S. George Carlin is some funny shit. "Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?"

NO. NO THEY DO NOT.

:D

P.P.S: HOW COME JESSE IS WINNING THE POLL? Come ON, Paulie/Jacob fans! Let the underdog ride above it all!!!

Breaking News: Dognapped!

2008-02-11T04:18:00.000-08:00

Is there such a word? Well, there NEEDS to be!

Haydogs just got her dog stolen! Winchester! Seriously. This drunk guy came to her door, abusing her brother and sisters (verbally, guys, this is a PG 13 rated blog...) and was all, "What the hell are you doing with my dog?"

And they were all, "Um...actually, this dog's ours. We got it from up North."

And he said, "No! This dog is four years old! I lost it months ago!"

...Forgetting that he probably should have taken better care of it, but pfft.

The mini-Hades said, "He's, um, only six months old."

The guy wouldn't accept this, so he made the mum come with him to his old dog's groomer (with the dog, I think,) so the groomer could verify it was his!

When she got back, Mrs. Hades's Mum was all, "Well, we'll wait until tomorrow morning, when I'll take it to the vet to get a proof of its age. If it's six months, its ours. If it's over four years, it's yours."

The guy was all, "Fuck that."

AND HE JUST TOOK WINCHESTER!

So the police have now been called, and Hades has left our sleepover (which was going great...hahaha. Seriously, though. Do NOT watch a Sarah Michelle Gellar movie called "The Return." It blows even more than your mum) to go and abuse the guy.

...Possibly physically. It'd be funny to watch her screaming at him though - she's got a cold, and she goes really squeaky and high when she speaks loudly. Oh, if only I could go there with my popcorn...

But I really shouldn't be finding this entertaining...

....BUT ITS JUST SUCH A SCANDAL! DOGNAPPED, PEOPLE!! Poor Winchester...he must be so scared.

And now Hades is going to miss Supernatural.

*pout*

Oh, me and my priorities...

Stay classy, San Diego.

- Lolls.

If Ben's doing it, then it's cool.

2008-02-10T20:57:00.000-08:00

I'm such a sheep, lol.

Just read Ben's blog and of course, since I have nothing better to do with my life, (such as finish the portrait I'm getting paid $100 for...or clean my room (a strict condition of Haydogs sleeping over,) or, you know...sleep...no, instead, I'm making a blog which I'll prolly end up censoring anyway, bahaha. Since I like people reading my crap, and will therefore post the link at every available opportunity, (prolly get a custom liscence plate with it on there, or finish every sentence with it - the way people finish with "In My Pants." Or is that just me?) and will THEREFORE (great word...) not be honest.

But seriously. Whoever bears their god forsaken soul on the internet is a complete douchebag. Someone is GOING TO FIND IT.

So yeah. Thanks a lot Ben, for committing me to another egotistical blogging session. But -- how could I not...? It was either that, or clean my room. Seriously.

Anyone interested in the daily happenings of Lolly?

No?

Fine. Screw you. You're finding out anyway.

I journeyed up to ECU today for "Orientation" -- the beginnings of university, not sexuality -- and used Public Transport (hahah, I typo'd with "pubic transport...prolly should have left it...oh well, no going back now!) for the very first time on my own today. I was supposed to go with Tom, but he got sick...which I found out while on the train, waiting...haha. Just kidding. You're cool Tom. In your own "special" way.

Anyway. (And btw, apologies to Ben if you're reading this - I just inflicted the EXACT same rant upon you, haha...) As I discovered, (screw you, hindsight!) the best route to the campus was Warnbro - Perth by train, then Perth - Mt. Lawley ECU by bus.

Did Lolly do this?

...Take ten guesses, genius.

So there's me getting off (hahahahah, "getting off"...no but really) at Perth and taking the Midland train which passes Mt. Lawley. I missed the stop, and continued to another M-place, since I'd been expecting the annoyingly calm "NEXT STOP....MT. LAWLEY" voice to come blasting at me from overhead. And the guy I was sitting next to - who I'd told I was going to ECU - was all, "Um...yeah...that was your stop."

AFTER we'd departed.

So I got back on the train to Perth, freaking out since it was 9.30 and I was supposed to be there at 9...and got off the trail, crawled to a quiet corner and started hyperventilating and bawling. And this old lady walked RIGHT PAST ME AND GLARED AT ME! Stupid ancient bitch-monster. I WISH AIDS UPON HER!

Finally, I went to the info centre and was all, very sophisticatedly (and even seductively,) "Can you tell me how to get to ECU...honey-buns?"

Well, I WOULD have said that, but unfortunately all that came out was another breathy yelp before I started crying again.

Seriously. Those darn allergies... to pube-lick transport.

He was a big guy, too. The info guy I mean. He instantly went from hard butch "move it along, mister, I haven't got all daaaay..." to "OMG! TISSUE!" Which, you know, is the power of tears.

So I finally got on the right bus, and got all my stuff sorted out.

The BEST part of the day though, was my uuuuber sexy Uni ID photo. I look like a hot bitch. No one would suspect that Hot Bitch had burst into tears no less than 3 times that day. My eye makeup (impeccably applied that morning,) had remained perfect. So, yeah. Not exactly pissed at that part. Kind of makes up for everything, since I gotta keep it till 2011, haha.

For your viewing pleasure:

By MystAngel

So that's my day. And my first blog.

Go check out Ben's, lol. He actually rants about stuff other than his incompetency. Its funny. I just love angry blogs. Good oh!

That's Lolly, signing off now.

Stay classy, San Diego.

- Lolls, going for a NAP.