*cough*
A Poem
For Our Favourite Ho.
By Lolly Slater
So finally, Madeline, you’ve reached eighteen
God help this unsuspecting world…
How could such a massive slut bomb,
be lurking in such a tiny girl?
This is an ode to our favourite ho
The one most likely to have a vibrating lip balm.
Our mother-sexing Maddy Youell
Who slept her way into Notre Dame.
I remember how you’d molest the paintbrushes
Back when we were all in Art Class
You’d cast bedroom eyes over to Mrs. C...
Who – let’s face it – is a hot piece of ass.
Now you can legally drink and drive,
Do anyone you please…and also vote,
I shudder to think of your sexual freedom.
No dick is safe – not of man, horse or goat.
You’re the only one who comes to mind
When one thinks of the words “rape” and “fun.”
Putting the sensual in non-consensual…
You’d make a whore out of the most pious nun.
Use your powers of sex wisely, Maddy.
Be like Paris Hilton, ‘cept not as hideous.
But don’t go too far, my sweet little vag…
Be like Debbie, ‘cept not as Chlamydious
And so, I guess since it is your birthday,
I’ll give you a free squeeze of my bum.
And I wish you a night of many an orgasm
From Jennii, the Hillmans and Mitch’s Mum.
Happy Birthday, darling.
Love Lauren,
Your biggest fan (literally.)
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