I met the She-Devil.......and her spawn.

We are about to arrive at a crossroads.

If you survive the following rant, you get the biggest gold star you ever did see. But if you don't, I don't blame you. I'm in a state of fuming at the moment, so this is mainly therapy....

*breath*

I work at a cinema. Yeah. Cool. The pay was pretty shit at first, like $9.78 an hour for an 18 year old (!!!) due to their "six-month traineeship", aka, "We are big fat stingy corporate asswipes who don't care that you're AT UNI AND JUNK" ----

But that's not my rant. I'm now $12.76, due to go up to $17 when I hit the big One-Nine.

Here's my rant:

I met the She-Devil tonight.

Oh yes. Put your eyeballs back in your sockets - I can sense your shock and disbelief, but it's true. The Fast and the Furious came out today, so we were packed. Every FF session was chockers. At about 8.50pm, it was the HEIGHT of busy. There were people everywhere, packed in, complaining about the heat, the line length, the noise. Popcorn is flying everywhere as I'm serving frantically, upselling where I can, being super-super nice when I can't, smiling and laughing at unfunny jokes ----

And then she arrived.

It was very innocuous, too. She pulled out her book of cinemoney (a book of ten gift vouchers that you buy in bulk to get cheaper) and asked to see The Boat That Rocked.

Innocent enough, you say?

WAIT JUST A SECOND, SIR. You're jumping to conclusions!

She asked me how many is supposed to be in a pack. I answer, "Ten."

She frowns...

"I have eight," she tells me.

Suffice it to say, SIX MINUTES LATER, we had to call the Manager over. She's all, "I know Sian! Does Sian still work here??? SIAN!!!!"

"She doesn't work here anymore."

Etc. Bitching and moaning. Blah blah. I desperately turn to her kids to ask them what they wanted. She grabs the reins again, her eyes flashing demonically in the evening light. She orders her shit. Then she wants a receipt. Then she demands to know how long we've been doing tax. I tell her it's GST. She's all, "What's THAT????"

"It stands for 'Get Stuffed, Tubby'."

"What?"

"Nothing."

So I finish serving her, all the while the other customers are giving me looks of horror. With my eyes, I reply, "I know, right????" And they're all, "Jeez. Way to serve the She-Devil."

I give her her fucking popcorn, and I think I'm rid of her. And you think this boring story's over.

I'M/IT'S NOT!!!!!

She came back and was all, "Can you fill these up some more?"

She'd SQUASHED THEM DOWN AND SHOVED THEM BACK AT ME.

With a very dirty look in the opposite direction, I filled them as requested and went and served someone else. Cool. She's gone. I can serve the other fifty million customers who walked in while she had me pinned to the counter for twenty-odd minutes that I will NEVER.....EVER get back, and I can remember to breathe.

Kaitlin, my trainee, is looking aghast that such demons really do walk the earth. I assured her that She-Devil would be back for my soul.

I was joking, of course....

BUT I WAS RIGHT.

At 10.00pm, (I was supposed to knock off at 9.30,) S.D comes back telling her she dropped her ice-cream on the floor and wants another one. I give her one. She then tells me I forgot to give her MnMs. I give her those too. She complains they're too small. I tell her she has to buy the larger size. She complains, but rifles in her plastic medicine container thing for change. She then asks to buy another book of ten. It's too expensive though. We tell her about our Mothers Day Special. They expire in three months instead of six, I tell her (unlike the cinemoney.) She buys them. When I stamp them for three months as planned, she goes schitzo, telling her I said six. I was like, "No I (fucking) did not, (you stupid carpet-munching worm-infested) ma'am." She gets me to call the manager out again. He's all, "R U SRS?" to S.D. She was. She totally was. He was all, "Give her six months....I h8 my lyf."

THEN.....she's BACK...........

["When will this story end???" you scream. I understand. I'm suffering through this too.]

She wants more food. I serve her. Then she's all, "I don't get out much, what with my twisted bowel and my anaemia and my diabetes."

I'm all, "................................Aww."

I give her some water, guide her to her cinema via the elevator. She tells me not to call an ambulance if she faints. I just look concerned. She asks my name, and repeats it wistfully. I don't know whether she wants to reward me with eternal life (as only the Devil can) or offer me up as a human sacrifice while she orchestrates a blood orgy. I'm going with the latter. I finally get rid of her, finish counting my trainee's till, drive her home, narrowly missing a speeding ticket (I had cops on my ass.....*WINK*) and now all I want to do is kick a puppy.

Or her face. Or, you know, any part of her that I can reach. I'm not fussy. I just want to cause her some grievous bodily harm, since mmy mind now has wounds that can never heal. I've been touched by evil, Whitney. She made contact when I was handing her the money and the two receipts she demanded. We don't give out receipts as a rule. Customers have to ASK for them. And daaaaaaamn, she asked.
You know. Kind of how I wanna ask her to GET FUUU----

...Slowly calming down.

K. going to bed now, before either of you come up with another clever plan to get us killed! Or worse....EXPELLED.

Oh, Emma Watson. why did you have to grow up and become arguably the world's worst actress? *sigh* You were so cute!!!

- Lolly., wondering what the world has come to...

It's Twilight Again - Miley Styley

The Ode to the Anti-Twilighter.

NOTE: This in no way reflects Lolly's personal opinion of Twilight. The fandom, maybe, but Twilight is the shiz. All three books of it.

...Do you dare challenge what I just said?
No?
Didn't think so.

Presenting...

IT'S TWILIGHT AGAIN

I read this book back in...two thousand and five.
Haven't read such a load of garbage... in all my life.
I repressed all the stupid plot points, put it out of my mind...
But suddenly now...it's Twilight again.

It started one day when I...was in Chemistry.
In front of me, my friends Em and Adele...were giggling.
Curiously, I eavesdropped to...see what was so funny.
To my horror it...was Twilight again.

I'm surfing on the net, just trying to forget,
When Edward Cullen's face pops up into my business.
I smash the stupid screen; I'm not some stupid tween!
My best friend Rhianne, she just loves his stupid sparklepeen.

I'm walking down the road, and pass a window,
RPattz is on the pane...
Oh whoa oh oh oh,
I...cannot believe...it's Twilight again.

I flop down on the couch and, turn on MTV
But switch it off in detestation when I see damn Larry!
He's interviewing Kristen Stewart; this crap's stalking me...
Another day wrecked... by Twilight again...

I'm lurking on YouTube - this just cannot be true!
Some pink-haired geek is ranting about Bert and TomStu.
I click another link, and I kick up a stink!
Some bitch is singing about how Edward is a virgin.

It's ruining my life...I just can't block it out,
I want. To Stab. My Brain.
Oh whoa oh oh oh
I...refuse to believe...it's Twilight agaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain!

Haven't read such a load of garbage...in all my life...

And when the movie came, the squeals drove me insane,
I try to kick as many Twihards without getting blamed.
Why is it they can't see, that Twilight's so cheesy?
They never had no glitter-skin on that show Buffy.

At least it's finally done. The movie's over now,
Relief causes me to swoon.
Oh whoa oh oh oh
Wait. Oh no, please, it cannot be true!
Oh whoa oh oh oh,
Oh...oh my God, they're...making New Moon.

Poems for my Creative Writing Class...

This is what happens when you OD on NIN for an entire week.

By the way, Trent Reznor. Yeah. Just do me.

Shadow-Kissed

A shadow lives inside of me, within my deepest core.

It chills my blood to shards of ice that I cannot ignore.

It speaks to me in whispers that precede a dying scream.

It splits me into two and then leaves nothing in between.

My mother tried to drown me once when I was barely one.

I guess she did it since she knew what I’d one day become.

I think I miss her terribly, but I cannot be sure;

The shadow got her in the end and now it’s wanting more.

My eyes are frozen crystals from behind the veil of grey.

I lock myself inside my skull and try to hide away.

The world would be a kinder place if I did not exist,

For I am weak, and I will hurt, and I am shadow-kissed.

Angel Wings

The angel swims into his mind amidst a pool of light

Her innocence enthrals me; oh yes, I will feed tonight.

She promises to fix his heart and purify his soul

But she does not yet realise that I am in control.

I count the flickers of her fear and yearn to be released.

Her goodness is my enemy; her beauty is my feast.

He tries so hard to drown me out but he does not succeed,

For I’m too curious to know what colour angels bleed.

How easily won he is; I have him slashing at her wings.

Her terror is a tuneless song of silent sufferings.

He sags beneath the aching truth of what he has become.

How long would it take him to see that we’d always been one?

Bitten Apples

My hands belong to someone else for they cannot be mine.

I am a ruiner of good, a crusher of divine.

The roaring taunts of Coward! leave me gasping for my breath.

I pray for mercy; no one hears – so then I pray for death.

I’ve built a mighty city on the backs of all I’ve hurt:

Its walls are made of rotting flesh; its air is choked with dirt.

My throne is made of bitten apples from the world’s first sin,

And I am made of darkness, reflected from within.

The shadow is rejoicing and now I can finally see

The only way to stop this pain is to let it conquer me.

My knees disintegrate and to my rightful place I bend

The burden of my will is gone: this shadow’s now my friend.

The Inappropriate Touch (A Twilight/Bloodhound Gang Parody)

Haha. Well now, we call this mind-fuckery “imprinting.”
But there are several other very important differences between imprinting and pedophilia that you should know about.
I’d appreciate your children.

Bitch, Bella, bitch, Bella, chose that stupid vamp
Well guess what? Now I’m gonna sic my pack on all the Cullen clan.
He knocked her up, now she’s fucked up and she’s gonna have a demon child,
Now she’s dying, Eddie’s crying, which is not usually his style.
I’ve had enough of Bella stuffing me around, been pushed and shoved,
Just because I wanted to do her once does not mean I’m in love.
So obviously, gonna break the treaty, gonna make all those freaky leeches dead,
But suddenly, Bella’s placenta unleashes a tiny kid.

Holy crap.

You, baby, may be a dead hybrid vampire,
But I’m gonna do ya coz this book is written by Steph’nie Meyer

Do her now

You, baby, may be a dead hybrid vampire,
But I'm gonna do ya coz this book is written by Steph'nie Meyer.

Getting horny now.

Yes, I fell in love with this retarded infant,
I can’t help it, please don’t judge me, can’t control on whom I imprint.
Pornographic? And pedophilic, wanna get down with my Nessie,
Dunno it I can wait till my little mate even reaches her puberty.
So if Eddies spies on my mind, poor guy, he’ll find, I’m tapping his baby.
She turns me on, I’m Mister Jacob, up to a hundred a ten degrees.
So put your hand, down my shorts, and I’ll bet you feel fur,
Yes I’m Fido, yes I’m pedo, and I like it right thurrr.

Doggy style!

I feel like a douche for imprinting on Renesmee,
It’s like Steph’nie couldn’t find someone who’s actually my own age.

Feeling sexy now

What ever happened to the plotline for poor Leah?
Guess I dodged that bullet, I suspect that Leah’s lesbia(n).

Leah’s naked now

You and me, Nessie, ain’t nothing but tigers
So let’s do it a-as soon as you get out of diapers.

Doin’ babies now

You and me, Nessie, are destined for romance.
So I don’t care if you’re like three I wanna get inside your pants.

Touching kiddies now

You and me, Nessie, are gonna have Sex-Ed.
So let's do it till we out-screw your parents and break a bed.

Kay, that's creepy now…

-exotic music fades out-

-end-